Safety in Seattle News

Pittance of Punditry on Women in Military Service

2012-02-15T21:34:00.000-08:00

I really hate it when women in public positions spout off anti-feminist platitudes. For example, how does Liz Trotta think she got where she is, if not on the backs of women who pushed to be able to engage and be taken seriously in public discourse (i.e., "feminists")? Maybe you never heard of Liz Trotta either? I hadn't, until I saw this video. Lis Trotta is a FOX News "pundit," and here she's opining about women serving in the US military who'd been raped while in service.

(if you received this post as an email and cannot view the video, you can see it on my blog online or at Media Matters. If you are using an iPad or iPhone, you may have to go to a computer that plays Flash.)

So much deliberate ignorance, packed into less than 4 minutes. I'll just point out the parts I consider most egregious.

She objects to how much is spent on issues around sexual assault. $113 million annually, she says. Is that a lot of money? It would be to me personally. However, the military commands a budget is somewhat larger than mine, and this military expenditure is fiscally comparable to my buying one plain old coffee, not even a latte (double short, non-fat milk, please).
She is astounded that people in the military are still people. Apparently, once you join the military you can be disregarded as having any real needs other than to protect Americans. Because the mission of the Army and other services is to defend and protect us, not those actually fighting the war. I am astounded at the sheer lack of humanity of that statement. Liz, the people sent to defend and protect us ARE US.
She believes that rape just happens when men and women are in close proximity. Bull. People make the choice to rape. When "pundits" spout off that we can expect men to commit rape, they are giving their permission for rape to happen.
She seems to believe that this is strictly a male-female problem. While a greater percentage of women in military service are raped, a far greater number of men are raped while in military service. Funny how she doesn't mention that.
She objects to "feminists" wanting to be warriors and victims at the same time. Really? I've worked for years with women veterans who had been sexually assaulted. None of them wanted to be victims. Almost all of them were proud of their service to the United States, and wanted the wrongs done to them recognized and justice served. And isn't that at the core of being American?

Adam Weinstein's article in Mother Jones points out some fascinating facts of Trotta's background that make her statements appear even more ludicrous.

You can help. One female military veteran has begun a petition on Change.org to ask the US House and Senate Armed Services Committee to change the way sexual assault is handled. Because rape should NOT be expected, or tolerated, when women sign up to serve. Please sign it today; remember that sharing is caring, so pass it along to your friends.

Caution Keeps You Aware. Fear Keeps You . . .

2012-02-08T15:09:00.000-08:00

"I am going to be raped."

Monday morning's radio, KUOW-FM Weekday with Steve Scher and his guest Willie Weir. Weir is an "adventure traveler," predominantly by bicycle. He has a tale about a "fork in the road," an event that could be life-changing. Could have been life-changing, and not in a positive way. This happened about 20 years ago, alone in a foreign land by the sea.

Weir was looking for a place to pitch his tent. He accepted an offer to be led to a secluded site by a local man. The site was perfect, in a grove of trees just away from a hotel. The threat of sexual assault had never been part of his world. Until then.

Denial, fear, acceptance, and then clarity. The local man was bigger and stronger (not to mention he had a machete). Weir realized that he needed to get closer to the nearby hotel, so he feigned compliance to lull the man into letting his guard down. He began drawing the man closer to the open area near the hotel, breaking the isolation of this perfect camping site. He saw an open door at the hotel, and people just within, so Weir used his voice to attract attention. And the man ran. Weir was now alone.

You can hear Weir's telling at http://www.kuow.org/podcast/WeekdayA/WeekdayA20120206.mp3 (note: this is the whole show, Weir's tale begins at about the 31 minute mark).

"This trip was over." He considered going home right then. He sat on the beach all night, and by morning he had changed his mind and resolved to keep on going.

"Caution keeps you aware. Fear keeps you away."

Weir felt that if he gave up on his trip and went home, he may never have traveled again. This was about who he wanted to be, and he knew he did not want to live in fear.

After three decades now of bicycle travel, Weir has the experience to exercise caution while still enjoying travels off the beaten path. He understands the risks and the rewards. And the beauty, people, laughs, and adventure outweigh the risks over 100-fold.

I've taught self-defense skills to women who travel, with others or often solo. They all have said they learn from their experiences, and wouldn't give it up for anything. And, as a result, they feel safer, more confident, and more alive.

Aware or away -- where would you rather be?

Announcing Seeking Super Shero Contest

2012-01-28T09:04:00.000-08:00

If you could have a super power, what would it be?

Who would you save? Why?

I've been asking my self-defense students that question for about a year now. The answers range from invisibility to flying to super-speed to mind-reading to future-seeing. Now I want to hear from you. This is a contest, so yes there are prizes.

First prize: iPod shuffle. Second and third prizes: Amazon.com and iTunes gift cards.

Check out this video describing the contest:

Now visit Strategic Living's Super Shero page to check out the requirements and online entry form. Get your stuff together and submit. Deadline is April 15th at midnight (Pacific Coast time).

Evil-doers need not apply.

When Good Men Do Nothing, Part 2

2012-01-20T18:30:00.000-08:00

A critical part of self-defense is the ability to seek help and redress. But what if nobody wants to believe you?

Two months ago I posted about the Penn State football scandal, where former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky was arrested and charged with sexual misconduct. In that post, Good Men Did Nothing, I outlined several things you could do to keep your kids safer. Those points still hold.

Since then, there have been more revelations. Head Coach Joe Paterno, as you know by now, was fired rather than having his resignation accepted. He was not indicted, nor did he do anything criminal. He fulfulled his obligations to the letter of the law. But that was not enough, especially for a man of his stature in the community. His error was not following up on those he reported to, and himself notifying law enforcement. Penn State President Graham Spanier was also fired for his quick defense of two other indicted staff members, as well as for not keeping the school's Board of Trustees properly informed of the situation. Penn State student rioted, not as a response to the rape of young boys on their campus, but because their beloved coach was axed for inaction.

In the months after Mr. Sandusky's arrest, there have been a whole lotta fingers of blame pointing all around. Indeed, there is more than enough blame to go around. Who knew, who reported, what did those who received the information do?

Some blame has been kicked to assistant coach Mike McQueary. He was a witness to what has been described as Sandusky raping a 10 year old boy in the Penn State football shower facility. What actions he took is unclear. Initial reports said he phoned his dad and went home, and told Coach Paterno the next day. Paterno reported to athletic director Tim Curley and vice president Gary Schultz (who oversaw university police), who did nothing. Both men have been indicted for perjury for testifying that they only heard that Sandusky was horsing around with young boys (not exactly in the same league as rape). Emails obtained by a local newspaper say that McQueary did stop the assault and spoke with some police officers. Police records have not yet confirmed that.

When there are conflicting interests, reporting gets harder. When there's pressure to preserve the status quo of an individual, or a sports program, or a school, those who report may be stymied. McQueary's reports go nowhere. Sandusky is also seen engaging in sexual activity by janitorial staff, who do not report to police because they fear for their jobs. A 1998 report ends when the then-District Attorney, Ray Gricar, decides not to pursue (Gricar vanished in 2005, so we can't ask why).

We self-defense instructors and advocates always propose telling those in authority. It seems we should be adding to our repertoire better ways to speak truth to power, so that the victims can be heard.

Related stories:
http://espn.go.com/college-football/story/_/id/7212054/key-dates-penn-state-nittany-lions-sex-abuse-case
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/19/sports/ncaafootball/penn-state-trustees-recall-decision-to-fire-paterno.html?_r=1

http://articles.latimes.com/2011/nov/15/sports/la-sp-penn-state-20111116
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/09/sports/ncaafootball/questions-on-sandusky-wrapped-in-2005-gricar-mystery.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/17/sports/ncaafootball/internet-posting-helped-sandusky-investigators.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/12/us/on-college-campuses-athletes-often-get-off-easy.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/15/opinion/brooks-lets-all-feel-superior.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/11/nyregion/at-elite-prep-school-abuse-case-wont-go-away.html

Power Posing

2011-11-22T17:15:00.001-08:00

This really cool video by Amy Cuddy (a researcher at Harvard) talks about body language and power.

Amy Cuddy: Power Poses from PopTech on Vimeo.

You can feel powerful by expansive body language. Cuddy's work is placed mostly in a business context, but it is easy to translate this to personal safety and self-defense. Strong body language helps deter assault, and makes you stronger in case you do need to defend yourself.

Body language is a key component of my self-defense classes. We focus on a few aspects, mostly eye contact and smiling, where to place your feet, and posture. These critical elements of non-verbal communication convey an impression of power, and are your first line in physical skills self-defense.

Good Men Did Nothing

2011-11-09T14:53:00.000-08:00

We can take away several lessons from the tragedy unfolding at Penn State's football program. Former coach Jerry Sandusky is charged with about 40 counts of sexual misconduct. Two other highly-placed college officers are charged with perjury for their role in covering up Sandusky's deeds. And it's likely to get worse as more victims will probably come forward.

Long-time head coach, the legendary Joe Paterno, will be retired after this season. When many college football programs are plagued with blatant disregard for regulations and players' lawlessness, Paterno was known for keeping his staff and students straight. Football, after all, is more than just a game. Right?

Parents and children's caregivers should take away at least these four lessons:

First, learn something about the other adults in your child's life. Teachers, coaches, clergy, nannies, babysitters, tutors, whoever. Most adults who work with children mean all the best and are good people. A few are not. You can talk with them about their motivation for working with children, but more importantly pay attention to this person's behavior. Specific behaviors to watch out for include an eagerness to spend special time with your child, excessive and/or expensive gifts to the child, reluctance to have you present when they are with your child, and ignoring clear boundaries and exhibiting defensiveness when it's brought up. They may know your child's tastes and preferences better than you do, and exploit that.

Second, teach your child. Make sure they understand the difference between "telling" for safety and "tattling," as abusers try to keep kids quiet. Talk on a regular basis with your child about good and bad touch, and how to tell. Emphasize that there are no secrets allowed. Strategic Living's KidSafe classes work with children and their parents on age-appropriate skills to stay out of harm's way without arousing fear.

Third, listen to your child. And learn to listen without always expressing judgment. Often children do not tell because they fear they will be blamed and punished (and abusers encourage this view). Sometimes children won't say anything, but their behavior screams that something's wrong.

Finally, say something. Report. This can be very difficult. Mr. Sandusky's targets were young boys from disadvantaged homes, who are less likely to report and involve the police. Sometimes parents do not wish to further traumatize a child by reporting (a good advocacy organization, such as the King County Sexual Assault Resource Center, help families through the process). Even if you do your legal duty by reporting to someone in greater authority, as Coach Paterno did, consider if you truly satisfied your moral obligation to follow through.

Because we know what it takes for evil to flourish.

Choice of Voice: Reason #2

2011-11-05T20:39:00.000-07:00

Your voice is your most critical self-defense tool.

In this news story, a woman out walking was assaulted. Her screams attracted the attention of another woman, who came to her aid. They were then able to fight off the attacker, who ran. According to this report, the woman was not seriously hurt but was shaken and upset.

And that illustrates Reason #2 (of 6) of why your voice is important: because it can attract attention. Attention can mean help. Help can thwart an attack. Thwarting an attack can mean less pain and a shorter recovery time from trauma.

Attracting attention sometimes also results in the attacker getting caught. And attackers don't want to be caught. What do you want?

Pepper Spray: Different Types

2011-10-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

Stephanie Schriger (a/k/a Real Tough Cookie) knows her personal safety products. She makes available an array of pepper spray, personal alarms, stun guns, safety lights, and more, to women looking to augment their personal safety.

Do you know the difference between a stream and a cone? Which is best for the street, and which for more confined quarters? How much do you need? Stephanie's most recent blog post outlines the types of pepper sprays, and gives guidance for those looking to buy.

And while carrying a non-lethal weapon is a good option for many women, you still should be prepared to defend yourself without one. Just in case.

Gaslighting: New Trend in Home Decor, or Mental Manipulation?

2011-09-25T22:40:00.000-07:00

If you answered new trend in home decor, you're about a century out of date.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation. It is a way of telling people, especially women, that their opinions and perceptions are out of whack with "reality." Out of whack with the reality that the manipulator wants to believe, that is.

For a clear and articulate recent article on this topic, read Yashar Ali's piece in The New Agenda: http://www.thenewagenda.net/2011/09/17/a-message-to-women-from-a-man-you-are-not-%E2%80%9Ccrazy%E2%80%9D/comment-page-1/#comment-76411. Read the article to find out how "gaslighting" got its name.

Whenever anyone tells you that you are "over-reacting," "too sensitive," "too emotional," or "I was just joking, don't you have a sense of humor" (and there are infinitely more variations), they are minimizing and discounting your feelings and perceptions. This is substantially different from someone saying to you, "Wow, I have a totally different understanding of this!" Both may be ways of expressing disagreement, but the former is an aggressive way of denying that your perspective is valid.

Sometimes the person doing the gaslighting is feeling defensive because they don't care to be "wrong." Other times, if the person does it on a regular basis, it is plain abuse. Once seen for what it is, it's simple. Until then, it's crazy-making.

In today's self-defense class, we talked about how body language can be used to try and intimidate and invalidate others in a work environment. How to clearly recognize it, and how to use your own body language to minimize its effect on you. How to tell someone, "hey, you're discounting my opinion, quit it!" And your options, in case they don't.

Violence Reduction at Turkish Soccer Games: Ban Men

2011-09-21T14:11:00.000-07:00

Today's news from Turkey: soccer clubs whose fans have been engaging in unruly and violent behavior are being "sanctioned." Their male fans are banned from certain home games, and only women and children under the age of 12 are allowed in. For free.

Read it: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=140639405&sc=emaf

Some of the highlights:

Before the game, Fenerbahce and Manisaspor (names of the teams) players tossed flowers at the fans. The visiting team was greeted with applause, instead of the usual jeering, the Anatolia news agency reported.

"This memory will stay with me forever," Fenerbahce captain Alex de Sousa said. "It's not always that you see so many women and children in one game."

Manisaspor midfielder Omer Aysan added: "It was such a fun and pleasant atmosphere."

How interesting! Seems the soccer players also enjoyed the change.

I believe that much "social violence" is a learned (and socially, if not legally, rewarded) behavior. It will be fascinating to see if this changes the behavior of Turkish male fans over time.

And Now, Yet A Third Word from My Mother

2011-09-15T06:00:00.000-07:00

Monday morning I heard on my local NPR station that the Oregon Supreme Court ruled against a free speech claim. They declined to allow this constitutional protection to cover stalking behavior.

Check out the story here: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=140404459&ft=3&f=140404459

I'm sure most, if not all, of you have heard from one parental figure or another that your freedom to swing your arms around ends where your little brother's nose begins. Or some variation thereof. The point being that your freedoms cannot take away those of somebody else.

While the precise wording defining stalking varies from state to state, a basic definition is "a course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear" (http://stalkingawarenessmonth.org/awareness). Over the years I've had several stalking victims in my classes, and it ain't pretty. It took a LONG time after any apparent sign of their stalker faded for them to feel kinda secure. Even then, if the perpetrator contacted them years later, maybe online or a chance meeting, all the original fear and insecurity came rushing back. Being stalked causes a person to change her or his activities and habits, sometimes even compels them to move to a different apartment, city, state, or coast. The prevalence of anxiety, insomnia, social dysfunction, and severe depression is much higher among stalking victims than the general population, especially if the stalking involves being followed or having one’s property destroyed. [Eric Blauuw et al., “The Toll of Stalking,” Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 17, no. 1 (2002):50-63.] In short, stalking robs the victim of their "pursuit of happiness."

Two more thing to note about stalkers, and these are traits they hold in common with many other abusers. First, they feel they are the offended party, and will loudly proclaim that they are the real victims here. It is their rights (to smack their little brother's nose) that are being abridged. And, second, they will exploit the legal system to further perpetrate harm. Or try to.

Thank you, Oregon Supreme Court, for being the good mom and telling a big brat to stop swinging his arms around the playground.

Sue Bird: Super-Shero

2011-09-14T19:31:00.000-07:00

Sue Bird has a favorite super power. As she told Jon Fisch in a recent interview:

Q. If you can have one super power, what would it be?
Bird: Probably be invisible. People always want to be a fly on the wall. I could just stay in my form and just be invisible.

You can read the whole interview here: http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/storm/2016197126_dishin14.html

What would be your super power, if you could be a super-shero?

Superheros in Seattle - No Joker!

2011-09-07T06:00:00.000-07:00

Phoenix Jones himself.
Read the Weekly article for yourself.

A few months ago The Seattle Weekly published an article on "Phoenix Jones" and his group of Rain City Superheros. Jones, the group's de facto spokesman, calls himself the "Guardian of Seattle." His goal is to keep us all safe by fighting crime in a superhero costume. Just like in the comics.

So, according to this article, he and his cohorts roam around Pioneer Square and Belltown as the 2:00 closing hour approaches, helping the party-hardy stay out of fights.

Jones seems aware that his costumed approach, while garnering press today, will eventually wear thin. "The goal is for the people to be inspired by what I do. The goal is to inspire people to not put up with petty crimes."

So there is some discussion about whether or not he actually does help solve crimes, or keep our streets safer, or is he a total wack job running around in a rubber suit. That's not the discussion I'm interested in.

While Jones and his colleagues are roaming around downtown city streets, most assaults against women are committed in their homes, or in someone else's home. Where Jones and his cadre of superheros are not. All the superheros on the streets will not protect you against the abusive boyfriend in the bedroom. So, at times, many of us will have to be our own superheros.

If you were to be a superhero, who would you be? What would be your super power? Who are you sworn to protect? I've been asking students in my self-defense classes that very question. Let me know. Evil-doers need not apply.

You Are Not Perfect: Reason #5 Why Rape is Under-Reported

2011-08-23T14:24:00.000-07:00

Today's not-so-news is that the prosecutor's office is going to ask to have the sexual abuse charges against Dominique Strauss Kahn dismissed.

Read all about it: http://www.usatoday.com/money/world/story/2011/08/AP-source-DA-likely-to-drop-Strauss-Kahn-case/50085112/1

Their issue is that the plaintiff was not completely honest about aspects of her past.

However, none of the lies that diminish her credibility had anything to do with the facts of this case.

So, ladies, this has some serious repercussions for us all. Did you ever lie, even a little, about how many calories that "sliver" of cheescake had? Or about how much you spent on that outfit? Did you ever exaggerate, ever so slightly, about your last vacation or last night's date? Sure these may have seemed harmless at the time, but your credibility is now totally, irrevocably, damaged should you ever have the need to press charges of rape.

And guess what else? A number of rapists actually seek out potential victims who would make less credible plaintiffs.

Learn how to better prevent rape, as well as get better DNA evidence, in a self-defense class.

Do You Need to Defend Yourself from Canvassers?

2011-08-18T09:01:00.000-07:00

You know, those people hanging out on street corners, clipboard in hand, collecting signatures (and sometimes money) to save the children, the whales, the unborn, the undead, . . .

Apparently in downtown Seattle some canvassers are getting too aggressive. Councilmember Tom Rasmussen is considering a law to do something about it.

Hear about it, and some opinions, on KUOW-FM, where yesterday Mr. Rasmussen and others answered questions posed by host Ross Reynolds and listeners who called and emailed in. http://www.kuow.org/program.php?id=24293

Sure some canvassers are annoyingly aggressive. However, I don't see the need for a law to deal with them. A simple "no thank you" and walking on should do the trick. (Yes, I do teach that, and other verbal safety skills, in some of my self defense classes.)

For instance, I am walking around Westlake Mall (seems to be Canvasser Central these days) and am approached by a young man (or woman) asking for just a few moments of your time to save the children. I will make a snap decision: to give them some of my time, or to say "no thank you" and walk on. Either choice is fine, as long as it is MY choice and I'm not just getting sucked into it because that's what good folk like us do. My choice would be to say "no thank you" and walk on, secure in the knowledge that I'm already doing the right thing because have a charitable giving plan already in place. If that canvasser then feigns shock that I don't care about the children, I will WALK ON. I do not feel I need to answer to him. I owe him nothing, and will not get sucked into a time-wasting, energy-draining conversation web.

Remember the sage advice of Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." It's up to each and every one of us to spot emotional manipulation and deal. It's just the right thing to do.

Why Rape is Under-Reported: Reason #11

2011-08-17T18:39:00.000-07:00

Because sometimes those charged with keeping a safe environment act with indifference.

Here's a current example: http://www.news-leader.com/article/20110816/NEWS12/110816008/Lawsuit-filed-against-Republic-School-District-over-rape-claim
and http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2011/08/17/297888/missouri-school-sued-for-allegedly-making-special-ed-student-write-apology-letter-to-her-rapist/ (same story, 2 articles).

In this story, a special education middle-school girl is penalized for reporting harassment and assault by a classmate. She's even made, by school authorities, to write an apology and hand-deliver it to her rapist. Then she's expelled from school, for allegedly making a false report.

When she's allowed to return to the school the next year, she is again harassed and assaulted by the same boy. School authorities again do not believe her, but this time her mother takes her to a Child Advocacy Center for an exam. Seems the exam showed she had been raped; semen found on her is said to match that of the boy. Boy is arrested, charged, and plead guilty.

Family files lawsuit against School District. School District replies that the girl failed to use reasonable means to protect herself, the suit against them is frivolous, and hence the School District defendants are entitled to be awarded attorneys' fees.

So, it's the girl's fault. Again.

And that's still another reason that sexual assault is rarely reported.

Car Stalk

2011-08-15T15:48:00.000-07:00

I usually don't get to hear NPR's program Car Talk on Saturday mornings. I'm generally off teaching a class at that time. But this past Saturday found me chasing a "sick" cat, trying to get her in the cat carrier to go to visit the vet. Soon as she heard the sound of the carrier door open, she dashed upstairs, faster than I imagined, and under the bed, in a place impossible for me to reach. So, a very frustrated me got to listen to the radio.

It was the final caller that really got my attention. Myrna's question was about finding a possible GPS device put on her car by her soon-to-be-ex-husband. Turns out her to-be-ex was a control freak, in that he read her mail and email, and always insisted on knowing where she was going and had been. And now that there's a nasty divorce in process, he's reaching out.

Tom and Ray had some funny suggestions (hey, this is a comedy show). They surmised that the devise was certainly affixed to the car's undercarriage by a magnet, and would be apparent once a mechanic got the car on a lift. They suggested she park her car in front of her to-be-ex's best friend's house overnight, or attach it to other cars (even a different car each day), to mess with his tracking.

You can listen to the show here (http://www.cartalk.com/Radio/WeeklyShow/online.html) until the next episode comes out. Segment 10.

I'm glad Myrna felt secure enough about her safety to be light-hearted about this guy's possible stalking behavior, but other women whose partners are putting GPS devices on their cars may not be able to take it so casually. As a self-defense teacher, I regularly have students who've been stalked, and it's a harrowing experience. I recommend that if you believe that your car is being tracked via GPS, please contact your local domestic violence hotline for advice, especially if their stalker has a history of threatening or committing violence.

And my partner finally crawled under the bed, hauled out the cat, and took her to the vet. She's fine now. But we knew that, she's got her sassy back.

Discombobulated State of the Kosmos: A DSK Report

2011-07-05T16:22:00.000-07:00

The Dominique Strauss-Kahn (or DSK) story has followed a partly unpredictable course. First of all, most sexual assaults are not reported, including those committed by members of the cultural elite. Second, most assailants are not caught if the assault is reported. Even if arrested, most assailants are not prosecuted. So I was initially impressed at the speed of this beginning of this story, where the hotel maid reported, the police found evidence, and an arrest worthy of a TV drama (as the plane that DSK was on was preparing to take off). Wow, I thought, are the planets and stars in some special alignment? Did the Universal Law of Karma supplant the Golden Rule (he who has the gold . . . rules)?

But more recently the Kosmos has returned to business as usual. Irregularities have been found in the past of the maid. She is a poor immigrant. Seems she lied on asylum papers. She knows people who are serving time in jail. She has multiple cell phones.

None of which have anything to do with the rape charges. All of which may derail the prosecution's case.

As any number of women who have tried to prosecute rape have found out, stuff like that matters to a significant number of potential jurors. As a culture, we like our victims stainless. And if the victim comes across as less than a madonna (not to be confused with pop icon Madonna), if they come across as a real person with warts and fears and the possibility that 20 years ago they may have inhaled, they are not deserving of justice. (That's why assailants will often seek out targets who they think cannot withstand a caustic public scrutiny.) Very few people will actually come out and say that, but actions such as votes in a jury do speak louder.

Currently, it's estimated that between one in eight to one in five women will be targeted for sexual assault sometime in their life. If you are one, here are my recommendations should you choose to report and prosecute, regardless of whether or not you fought back, evaded rape, or complied with the assailant's demands.

First, find a sexual assault advocate. One who is experienced and believes you. Preferably not on the police payroll, but from an independent group. In the Seattle area, good choices are the King County Sexual Assault Resource Center and Harborview Medical Center. University of Washington students can contact SARIS.
Second, get your own lawyer. Yes, rape is a crime against the state. And a good lawyer can help you navigate through the criminal justice maze.
Finally, get a REALLY good therapist. You'll need one.

PS - I was thinking of writing on DSK's peanut gallary (i.e., those public figures who insisted that a man of DSK's standing would NEVER commit rape). Jon Stewart, however, did such a good job, and as I always say if you can't beat it, link to it.

Ruckus over Rihanna: Criminal or Candor?

2011-07-05T09:00:00.000-07:00

Rihanna's recent video, Man Down, is stirring up some controversy. She portrays a woman shooting a man who raped her.

(If you can't view this here, watch on YouTube: http://youtu.be/sEhy-RXkNo0)

Cartoonist Darrin Bell (Candorville) not only got a really clear message ("don't rape!"), he sent out an equally clear message ("don't excuse rape!") in last Sunday's strip.

What do you think the message is here?

The Chilled Butter Maneuver: Self Defense Lesson #2 from the Cat

2011-07-04T17:08:00.000-07:00

Lilith is one cool cat. And she's not afraid of you.

Lilith, a 17 year old with spring and verve of a cat a quarter her age.

Indeed, Lilith will readily come over to any visitor and "allow" herself to be adored and petted. She is fine and mellow when she recognizes that appropriate due is being paid to her by adoring fans. She is the Queen of the house, and she knows it.

But don't let her outward appearance deceive you -- Lilith has a core of razor steel. What she wants, she gets (like cheese, milk, and chocolate ice cream). And what she doesn't want, well . . .

At the risk of understatement, cats do not like taking their medicines. Pilling a cat, rare as it is in my household, is still onerous. Each cat has its own means of resistance, and Lilith's is among the most effective.

Most cats struggle from the moment they realize you're holding the dreaded pill and looking at them. But not my Lilith. She purrs. She headbutts and rubs her cheeks against my hands as I maneuver her in place between my knees. She purrs some more, and as I shift my attention ever so slightly to get the pill in my hand ready to launch, she springs. Her move is not at all explosive or drastic, it's more like she's the proverbial greased pig. One moment she's "securely" nestled in my grasp, and the next she's disappearing under the couch.

Her key is relaxation and timing.

Lilith, secure in her knowledge that she'll triumph, lulls us into believing we've got her. Relaxation also gives her speed and slickness when she makes her move. But her suppleness alone isn't quite enough -- Lilith can recognize when our attention is just a bit distracted, and she picks that moment for a successful escape.

Sometimes in a threatening situation, your best recourse is feigning compliance. You go along with the assailant's demands, watching for your opening. Waiting for that momentary distraction (or the chance to create one). And, should that window open, you will be ready to spring into action.

(For practice in what "springing" actions would work best, take a self-defense class. Two 5-week courses are beginning soon: one in Bellevue this coming Saturday July 9, another in Seattle on Monday July 11.)

Sometimes that window will not open. You have to realize that in self-defense sometimes your choice is between bad and worse. That's the reality. After-care is crucial (and that's a topic for another blog post).

On The Bravest Woman in Seattle

2011-06-28T14:20:00.000-07:00

On Jul 19, 2009, two women were attacked in their home in Seattle's South Park. Both were repeatedly raped. One of the two, Teresa Butz, died. Isaiah Kalebu is now on trial for these crimes.

Eli Sanders of The Stranger wrote a touching and compelling article about the survivor's court testimony. The title is The Bravest Woman in Seattle. He describes the grace and tears with which this woman testified about her life with Teresa, and their hopes and plans for the future. And then about the events of that night, which took all that away. At times Sanders ventures into details nobody would want to read, and spares us graphic depiction of the worst. The survivor relates how they understood what was happening, and why they made the safety choices they did.

This is important. Over the past 2 years I've been approached by students (and others who know I teach self-defense classes). Usually this isn't during class time, but afterwards. In quiet tones, they ask about what they, if ever in that situation, could do. They don't want to appear to be victim-blaming, but they wonder why the two women didn't "succeed" in fighting back against only one assailant.

These people should read Sanders' article.

Each person, when faced with assault, has to make their best choice. Sometimes the choice is between bad and worse. It's simple to look in from outside, after the facts and feelings, and decide what somebody else should have done. Personally, after reading this account from the survivor, I can't say that I would have done differently. After reading this account, I doubt you could say otherwise.

Slutwalk Seattle (Part 1)

2011-06-19T20:32:00.000-07:00

"You can't miss the crowd, it's MASSIVE!"

I overheard this man giving driving directions while marching in today's Slutwalk Seattle. To get a sense of the crowd, take a look at this YouTube video (from SeattleRex):

If this doesn't display correctly, you can watch on YouTube at http://youtu.be/u5_psd0YZHc.

TV news reports the past couple of days had been mentioning the upcoming Slutwalk, describing it as women protesting against rape by dressing provocatively. While I'm glad this rally was publicized, I have to scold the media for their description. Yes it's a protest against rape, and a protest to end victim-blaming and slut-shaming. Participants were welcome to dress as they pleased. You can see from this video that some (women and men) wore their fishnet stockings and pasties, most wore the usual PNW attire, like jeans and North Face jackets.

I'll post more later, but one final note for now. The rally was held at Westlake Center. Towards the end of the rally, some participants who had entered the shopping mall were asked to leave because of "indecent exposure." The Center received a loud mass "f*** you!" from the crowd.

A Class Act

2011-06-17T15:15:00.000-07:00

Last March I blogged about University of Washington basketball "star" Venoy Overton's near-miss with felony charges. Earlier this year he was slapped on the wrist for providing alcohol to two 16 year old girls and pressuring them into sexual acts. No rape charges were brought against Overton because the girl who reported apparently did not clearly communicate a lack of consent at the time, as she had bowed to the situational pressure. He pled to providing alcohol, and was let free providing he stay out of trouble.

Overton did not stay out of trouble. He is now charged with pimping a girlfriend. According to the article:

Prosecutors said Overton admitted to the charge during a police interview after his arrest.
"I'm not gonna turn down money from a girl," he said, according to the police affidavit.
He told detectives that when he first met the woman, he told her she had to pay to be in a relationship with him.

A real class act.

UW basketball coach Lorenzo Romar, in a press statement, expressed extreme disappointment. "My staff and I spent an extraordinary amount of time and energy attempting to mentor Venoy prior to his recent graduation, so this news is especially troubling." I'm not clear if Romar is disappointed in Overton, or in his own misjudgment of Overton's character. I'd guess both. Must be tough realizing he helped empower a sex criminal.

On The Grill, Part 1

2011-06-17T07:00:00.000-07:00

It can be easy to forget first things first. In self-defense there's so much emphasis on the "bad guys," like recognizing them, avoiding them, confronting them, defending against them, etc., that we put aside why it's important.

Which is to enjoy daily life with more confidence and less anxiety. For me, this time of the year, that means the backyard barbecue.

Sitting outside on my deck, dinner fresh off the grill, glass of wine . . . what's not to like? This time of year it's all about the salmon and the asparagus. I do very little with them: some olive oil, salt & pepper. That's all we need. The salmon should be able to stand on its own, without additional dressing. Sometimes toss the grilled asparagus with balsamic vinegar and grated manchego cheese.

I've also tossed whole potatoes on the grill, again first tossed with olive oil, salt and pepper. The starchy ones come out light and tasty. Purple Vikings are nice, small russets would also be good.

Two weeks ago we grilled tri-tip steaks. I like them rubbed with spices and grilled quickly over direct high heat. The spice rub this time was ground cumin, dried oregano, smoked paprika, crushed Sichuan peppercorns, and salt. You don't need a lot of the Sichuan peppercorns, and the unusual flavor adds an intriguing and playful dimension to the cumin and oregano combo.

So get out there and enjoy.

A Slutwalk By Any Other Name (Part 2)

2011-06-16T09:20:00.000-07:00

Much has been made about this movement's chosen name. While the choice of Slutwalk has offended some, it's also created a LOT of debate and discussion and controversy and buzz. That's publicity.

Patrick Williams of YOU ROCK! Communications puts it this way:

About 15 years ago, Taco Bell got a lot of attention by claiming they had bought the Liberty Bell and renamed it the Taco Liberty Bell.

A few years later, Burger King advertised a left-handed hamburger that generated a lot of curiosity and interest.

Both of those 'news' items turned out to be promotional stunts and they both generated lots of publicity.

Any time you can do something outrageous, you have a chance to attract the kind of media coverage that money just can't buy.

I think there's been too much discussion on the name and less on the focus, but hey that seems to be what it takes to get attention and to spread the word to people who wouldn't give "Rally 'Round Against Rape" a second yawn.

And the focus of Slutwalk, from my reading, is that women are not asking to be raped, regardless of what they are wearing. Some criticize the movement as encouraging women to dress "like sluts," and yes there will be some who advocate that look. Every mass movement is made up of lots of people with their own agendas and foci. You can go through all the blogs and Facebook pages and postings and find plenty of examples of "public sluttiness." If that's what you're going to zoom in on, you've missed the point.

As a self-defense instructor, I don't tell people how to dress. Besides my lack of fashion sense, I feel that can too readily be construed as victim-blaming. I do suggest how my students may be seen by others, and how some attire (or other aspects of appearance) can be used as a handy excuse for somebody else's bad behavior. Or how it could attract someone looking for a target. And then recommend safety strategies they can use to compensate for possible increased risk.

Women do not ask to be raped. Ever. Period.

That Weiner Dog! - Ooopsie!

2011-06-15T11:50:00.000-07:00

I've been told that my original .m4a file was not playable by several people. Ooops! Hate it when that happens.

The original post was revised, and here is the new link:

http://www.StrategicLiving.org/That_Weiner_Dog.mp3

A Slutwalk By Any Other Name

2011-06-14T11:00:00.000-07:00

“You know, I think we’re beating around the bush here,” the officer said, according to one attendee. “I’ve been told I’m not supposed to say this, however, women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized.”

That was the unfortunate comment, made by Toronto police constable Michael Sanguinetti on January 24th to a small group of students. Blogged and tweeted around the world, this comment spawned a global movement. Slutwalk was born.

Sanguinetti has since apologized, and is reported to have been disciplined and will receive additional training. Presumably he had received training before this event. The Toronto police asserts that their officers are taught that nothing a woman does contributes to sexual assault. Yet this slip of the tongue did happen. Despite the fact that the vast majority of women who were assaulted were not dressed like "sluts," whatever that means (see yesterday's blog post for what it really does mean). Despite the fact that dress does not cause sexual assault. And despite the fact that the person committing the rape needs to be accountable for his own actions. Period.

Despite all the good cops out there, it's those thoughtless and arrogant ones who are featured in the nightly news. Still another reason why few women report rape to law enforcement. Why I'll be at Slutwalk Seattle this coming Sunday. And why I still continue to teach self-defense classes.

A Slut by Any Other Name

2011-06-13T17:15:00.000-07:00

First, let me make it clear what I mean by "slut." Slut is a noun with excess baggage. Slut is used as a negative judgmental label applied by Person A onto Person B. Generally Person B is female, and Person A is often but certainly not always male. Person A disapproves of Person B's general appearance, style of dress, or some other behavior. Person A then labels Person B as a "slut," frequently to justify their own bad, if not abusive, behavior to Person B.

The label "slut" actually tells more about the mental framework (prejudices and stereotypes) of Person A, and little about the woman at whom this epithet is hurled.

Much has been made about Slutwalks reclaiming the word "slut." I can't say that I'll be going to Seattle's Slutwalk to "reclaim" anything. I do not care to reclaim, reframe, or rehabilitate the word "slut." I want to quash this word as a weapon. I want to nullify its negative energy, neutralize its power, negate its impact on women.

And any weapon can be overcome. With a little preparation, we all can learn to minimize its impact. Because nobody deserves to be targeted for rape.

That Weiner Dog!

2011-06-13T14:58:00.000-07:00

Are you tired of bad Weiner's weiner jokes yet? Alas, I'm not quite done. This very short ditty is a contender for the William Hung Perfect Pitch Award.

That Weiner Dog

If you were amused, feel free to share. If not, please direct your ire at Apple for making the technology readily available to anyone, regardless of ability or good sense.

But is Weiner a SLUT?

2011-06-10T20:30:00.001-07:00

Perhaps I'm not paying attention, but here's what I'm NOT hearing:

"Anthony Weiner is such a slut!"

"He's just asking for it!"

"He looks like he wants to be raped."

For those of you truly isolated from mass media, Anthony Weiner is the Congressman from New York who tweeted pictures of his crotch. To a whole lotta followers. By accident, he said. Bad judgment at best.

But who is getting called a slut? Why, the new "slutrepeneurs," those women who are coming out of the woodwork to sell the text messages and photos and tweets. At least according to Susannah Breslin, blogging on Forbes.

So men who distribute risqué photos are entrepreneurs while women are slutrepeneurs?

And the moral of this story is that (once again) men have interesting, even endearing, character slubs, while women are, well, just sluts.

And that's only one reason why I'm going on Slutwalk Seattle on June 19th. Hope to see you there.

Compare and Contrast: Unwanted Penetrations and Pete DeGraaf

2011-05-26T14:04:00.000-07:00

Seems that Kansas State House Rep. Pete DeGraaf is having trouble telling a flat tire from a rape.

The Kansas legislature passed a bill banning insurance companies from offering abortion coverage as part of their general coverage (women who would want that coverage would have to buy that separately). During the debate, Rep. Barbara Bollier “questioned whether women would buy abortion-only policies long before they have crisis or unwanted pregnancies or are rape victims.” (As we already know, insurance companies just love to cover "pre-existing conditions.") Fellow Rep. DeGraaf replied that women should plan ahead for situations such as rape; after all, he plans ahead and carries a spare in his car. Just in case his tire is violently and unwantedly penetrated.

Check out this story in ThinkProgress.org.

While there is nothing wrong with planning ahead for unwanted situations in life (that is what a SIGNIFICANT part of self-defense training is about), Rep DeGraaf's comparison is totally bogus. Do we ask people to similarly plan ahead for heart disease, by forcing them to buy separate insurance? How about car accidents - will I need to purchase ER coverage because by law it can't be included in my general medical policy?

The real point is not about planning, it is clearly a blatant attack on women's abilities to control their own health care, particularly reproductive care. One of the oldest power ploys in the book. Don't fall for this one.

Do You Know TED?

2011-05-17T10:01:00.000-07:00

TED Talks are Ideas Worth Spreading. At least that's their tag line. And it's accurate.

TED Talks are recorded and online, and free. The idea is to watch them, and spread them. They're given by highly thoughtful people, many of them established leaders in their fields, other new emerging intellects. As they say, riveting talks by remarkable people. Watch some, you'll certainly feel smarter.

Here are a few I've watched lately and I deem worth spreading:

Jim Fallon on the neuroscience of psychopathic killers:

Eve Ensler, author of The Vagina Monologues, on security:

Bruce Schneier, on "security theater," where what makes you feel safer may not actually be making you safer. So what will?

Do you have a favorite TED Talk?

Self Defense Essentials I Learned from My Cat, Lesson #2

2011-04-22T06:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we had to have one of our feral kitties euthanized.

Unknown to us, Survivor had feline leukemia. We did notice the past 2 weeks he was more friendly (for a feral). Then he didn't show up for his usual feedings for about 5 days. Sunday Survivor reappeared, and this usually skinny kitty had a clearly bloated abdomen. He was surprisingly easy to capture and kennel that night, and we got him to the vet the next day. That's when we found out about the feline leukemia, but that wasn't causing the bloating.

We never did find out the exact cause of the bloating. Our vet said we could, if we wanted, do X-rays and a few other tests, but they would almost certainly not give us a diagnosis that would prove curable. Survivor's days were clearly numbered, regardless of what we did.

Survivor, a feral cat we fed for 8 years.

We were surprised at the speed of Survivor's decline. He went from an apparently healthy middle-aged feral to the threshold of his next life within the span of weeks. Our vet was not surprised.

"Cats in the wild try to hide signs of weakness or illness. That would mark them as vulnerable, and they'd quickly become prey to other critters, like raccoons, dogs, or coyotes. So by the time you see symptoms, they are already at a late stage of illness."

There are indeed many, many differences between us humans and feral cats in my back yard. But there still are universal laws of nature, and Survivor's predicament illustrates a fundamental one. Predators most often go after the old, the young, the weak, the ill. Not only in the great outdoors, but among us civilized apes.

Who among us are at higher risk? Basically, the same groups. Often those most dependent on others for care. Think elder abuse. Consider that almost thirty percent of sexual assault in Washington state happens to children under the age of 12. And a large percent of assault involves alcohol and/or drugs (which impair a person's abilities to recognize danger as well as fight back).

How often do you assess your vulnerabilities? Do you think about ways you can reduce risk to yourself and your loved ones? Do you know what it takes to keep the raccoons, dogs and coyotes at bay?

What's Your IQ on Global Violence Against Women and Children?

2011-04-20T19:28:00.000-07:00

Take this quick quiz to find out how much you do know about that part of global violence relegated to the inside pages (if at all) in most newspapers.

http://saynotoviolence.org/node/2138/take

Really, this will only take about 4 minutes of your time.

OK, taking a quiz by itself won't end the violence. But there is this marketing acronym: TOMA. That's Top of Mind Awareness. Those items you hear about or see most often get more attention and action. More action against violence is (to quote Martha Stewart) a good thing. Duh! (to quote Charlie Sheen, who I still do not fear).

PS - Want to learn what you can do to keep yourself safe, as well as actions you can take to make your community safer? Self-Defense 101 for Women.

I (HOLLA) BACK!

2011-04-14T15:00:00.000-07:00

From I (HOLLA) BACK!

Ke$ha: One Smart Cookie

2011-04-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I'm not as hip as I once was. I just don't follow pop music like I used to, don't know who's hot and who's not. Partly, even after decades of discussion about how to appropriately represent women in media (as full participants rather than body parts), I do get tired of the same old "objectification of women" show year after year, just with different faces.

A while back I heard an interview on NPR with a new singer named Ke$ha. I didn't know anything about her music, but the interview was intriguing. She seemed to be one smart cookie. I did check her out a bit on iTunes and alas was not similarly intrigued by her recordings (to her credit, though, the way she spells her name should give us all a clue on her priorities).

And just a few minutes ago I read this blog post from Hollaback!: http://www.ihollaback.org/blog/2011/04/12/keha-hollaback-hero/

Written by Melissa Fabello, a high school teacher, she talks about one Ke$ha song that actually addresses street harassment, and some of what she's overheard students saying:

I’ve overheard more than one female student quote the song and then turn to her friend like, “Seriously, why do they do that?” inadvertently inciting an entire conversation dedicated to the injustices of gender-based violence inextricably laced inside street harassment. They share stories, vent, and leave the conversation feeling justified and validated – this is a problem, and I’m not alone.

OK, maybe I personally am not excited (after listening to this song) about the lyrics focusing on OLD AGE = DINOSAUR = CREEPY and I wish the emphasis would have been on they guy's creepy behavior (because young guys do this crap also), but if this generated discussion, there's some merit.

This is what the best of pop culture should be doing -- bringing up otherwise awkward topics. Inciting discussion and sharing of stories, that each of us is NOT alone. And that makes a discussion of harassment cool.

Running. Safety. Again.

2011-04-05T10:37:00.000-07:00

One of my students asked about a situation she'd recently faced while running on a local trail. A guy on a bike seemed to be pacing her, trying to chat with her. The really chilling question she remembered was him asking where her car was parked. ???? Why was he interested, she thought, can't be good. She told him a parking lot a bit further up, where there would be more people (and where her car was NOT parked). He rode off. As she ran past the lot she could see him there, waiting. She left him waiting and went on (apparently he didn't see her go by, or he didn't follow).

The class brainstormed other options, just in case. One woman suggested that she tell every other runner and jogger she meets something like "hey, did you see that guy on the bicycle? The one asking women where they've parked their car, and then waits for them. Really creepy! Spread the word." Soon you can get a buzz going, and people will actively be on the lookout for the guy. This is a GREAT suggestion, as it gets people more aware as well as looking out for each other.

Rules of Engagement for Using Physical Skills Self Defense (#3)

2011-04-01T08:55:00.000-07:00

As I wrote 4 days ago, there are no "rules of engagement" in self-defense. These are tools you can use to keep safe, and they work. Most of the time. Your mileage will vary depending on the situation and your skill level. And this is the most important tool of all.

Use your voice. Use it early and often.

This is your single most critical weapon. Assault is a battle of power and control. When you use your voice, you command power. If you've been reading this blog for a while, you've seen this before. If you've taken a Strategic Living self defense class you know the importance of your voice and practiced using it.

Yell direct commands at the assailant. Words like "no" and "stop" and "back off" and "let go" give the message that you are taking your power and using it.

Afterwards, find supportive people to tell. This can include family and friends, crisis clinic hotline or sexual assault advocates, and law enforcement. Your choice, your voice.

Rules of Engagement for Using Physical Skills Self Defense (#2)

2011-03-30T08:55:00.000-07:00

As I wrote 2 days ago, there are no "rules of engagement" for self-defense.

Once you begin fighting back physically, keep going until you’ve cleared your escape. You can think of this as fighting until your assailant is either on the ground, stunned, or running away (do NOT run after them). In most cases, this is 1 or 2, up to about 5, good techniques. Do NOT pause in the middle – you would be giving your assailant the time they need to recoup and remount their own attack. Stay in motion. Keep at least one of your weapons (hands/feet/elbows/knees) on the assailant at all times.

Take their balance. If the assailant is off-balance, they will have difficulty continuing their attack. Remember to find where their “kangaroo tail*” or “third leg*” should be. Use your hip check* to send them downwards into that point.

You will be too close for your comfort. Most likely you will want to get FAR AWAY from the creep. Yet in a fight you will very likely be in hugging distance. Yes, that is where you want to be, and it will be unsettling. This proximity will give you your best position to fight back effectively.

Practice you physical moves so that they are smooth and reflexive.

And remember that all the smooth moves in the world are useless if your brain is denying that somebody is in the process of harming you.

*Learn how to do these and more in Strategic Living's self-defense classes for women.

Rules of Engagement for Using Physical Skills Self Defense (#1)

2011-03-28T08:55:00.000-07:00

First, there are no rules.

Rules are for sports and other forms of civil conduct. Assault is most definitely uncivil.

Your goal -- should you realize that is this one of the rare instances where you need to physically fight back -- should be to disable your attacker long enough to escape. Strikes or gouges to the eyes, throat, groin, and knees are most quickly and effectively debilitating. These targets are not pain-dependent, are easy to find, and you don't need perfect aim or great speed and strength.

Sometimes this is referred to as "dirty" fighting. I simply call it self-defense. Personally, I feel that calling self-defense somehow "dirty" bathes it in a transgressive mystique, simultaneously fascinating and transgressive. I don't buy into that usage. Self-defense should not be relegated to the fringe of indecency. (I prefer to reserve the phrase "dirty" fighting for instances of sports fighting where one contender uses illegal techniques to win.)

We are the only species on the planet that not only largely discourages females from learning physical safety skills, we also largely and deliberately disseminate MIS-information about women's abilities to fight effectively. The 411 on women's self-defense is emPOWERing.

Learn more about self defense classes in Seattle -- skills you can use.

Creepy and Kooky, Revisited

2011-03-16T16:16:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago I blogged about a Manitoba judge's sentencing for a rapist:

http://safetyinseattlenews.blogspot.com/2011/02/its-creepy-and-its-kooky-but-neither.html

Today I found this spot-on blog post that begins with the very same judge (blog written by Krista Ball):

http://kristadball.com/blog/archives/553

The bigger picture, aside from a single judge's sentencing, is the depiction of rape. It's not about sex, it's not about a "misunderstanding," it's about power and control.

It's about teaching consent, so sorely missing because of embarrassment and/or shame around sex. Open discussion around these difficult topics would remove some of the stigma, and perhaps even result in a few more young women recognizing how to set their own boundaries and NOT GET RAPED.

The Fuzzy Formula, or Still Another Reason Why Rape is Under-Reported

2011-03-13T13:18:00.000-07:00

When can no "no" = yes?

When someone does not clearly communicate a lack of consent to sexual acts. At least under the law, according to the King County Prosecutor's Office.

I don't closely follow sports, but you'd have to be living under a rock in Seattle to miss the story of UW basketball star player Venoy Overton allegedly providing alcohol to two 16 year old girls and engaging in sexual acts with them.

You can read the Seattle Times' story of his arrest for providing alcohol here: http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2014433742_overton09m.html. Please note that he has not been charged with sexual assault, because:

King County Senior Deputy Prosecutor Carol Spoor called the case "highly problematic" because the girl participated in sex acts under "situational pressure."

State law, Spoor wrote, "places the burden on the victim to clearly communicate a lack of consent to the suspect, which she did not do."

Most of the articles on this incident focus on the loss to the team of this player, at least for the Pac-10 tournament. However, UW basketball coach Lorenzo Romar is quoted as saying he'd put Overton back on the team roster should they be invited to the NCAA tournament (otherwise known as "March Madness"). Because his guy made a mistake, and this is a teachable moment.

As a teacher, I'm all for the teachable moment. Some mistakes, however, are more far-reaching than are others, and I am also all for appropriate consequences. For the girl who feels coerced, this experience will likely be deeper and longer-lasting than any repercussions felt by either the Huskies or Overton.

Every teenager and young adult will face "situational pressure." (Heck, EVERY person will face situational pressure, over and over, in their lifetimes.) These instances can feel like being stuck between a rock and a hard place: the choice often seems to be between going along with the group or not having friends. How do we help young people recognize what they want for themselves, honor that, and still live fulfilling social lives?

This should be a teachable moment for young people, male and female, about consent. But we won't be seeing that in the sports pages -- or any other media pages -- anytime soon. Sexual assault is the social-issue wolf disguised in the individual-sheep's-problem clothing.

Madness, indeed, is not limited to March.

PS - Learning to assert boundaries is sadly lacking in too many teen girls today. This kind of sensible savvy is practiced in Strategic Living's For Teen Girls Only Self Defense classes. Next session will be April 2 in Burlington WA, and then April 9 in Seattle on the UW campus.

I Do Not Fear Charlie Sheen!

2011-03-11T08:58:00.000-08:00

Basically, because I am really, really, really far off his radar. So that's easy for me to say.

I just read Should Women Fear Charlie Sheen Now? According to this article, some women should have feared him over a decade ago. Others may have cause to fear him now. I would say the degree of fear is directly correlated with one's physical and emotional proximity to Sheen. He seems to be a tad unstable, must be the drugs talking.

My professional advice: if you happen to see Charlie Sheen coming, just walk the other way.

BUT I also want to emphasize that if a woman does find herself in close proximity to Sheen and he DOES shove her or throw furniture at her (or both), SHE IS NOT TO BLAME. Mr. Sheen, drugs or no drugs, is wholly responsible for his actions and should be held accountable for his choices.

Violent Girls: A Dubious Equality?

2011-03-10T12:45:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I attended the Association of Women Martial Arts Instructors' annual conference. Great presentations on a variety of topics, including one relevant to this blog. Silke Schultz presented Understanding the Roots of Aggression, about social conditions that lead some people to violence and possible ways to mitigate the effects of these negative conditions.

In passing, Schultz noted that in recent years the rate of girls arrested for violent behavior has increased. This is probably not a surprise to you -- I've been hearing about it for over a decade now. Actually, what I've been hearing from the media (and repeated by my students) is that girls are becoming increasingly and brutally violent, at astoundingly rapid rates. About 5-10 years ago this issue was a media darling, with esteemed venues such as Newsweek declaring it a "burgeoning national crisis" (of course until the next burgeoning, or imminent, or catastrophic, crisis steals the headlines).

I am a big fan of gender equality, but media claims that girls are becoming just as violent as boys is not exactly the expression of equality I'd like to be seeing (if we'd like to exploit a different stereotype, I'd rather see that boys are becoming just as relationship-oriented as girls).

Because we live in the Information Age, with just a few clicks of the trackpad I found a paper from the US Department of Justice (DoJ) called Understanding and Responding to Girls' Delinquency. This article was useful in elucidating issues around girls and violence.

First, as I've been saying in my self defense classes for a LONG time, the rate of violence in the United States is DECREASING. Looking at the DoJ article's conclusions, the authors found that:

Available evidence based on arrest, victimization, and self-report data suggests that although girls are currently arrested more for simple assaults than previously, the actual incidence of their being seriously violent has not changed much over the last two decades. This suggests that increases in arrests may be attributable more to changes in enforcement policies than to changes in girls’ behavior. Juvenile female involvement in violence has not increased relative to juvenile male violence.

This article also mentioned that assault rates are overall decreasing, and the rate of decrease was more rapid for boys than for girls in some categories.

But what makes a "better" news story -- that girls are increasingly arrested for violence, or that girls are becoming more violent? Apparently, the latter.

From Home Alarm Monitoring's Blog

2011-03-09T20:46:00.000-08:00

Got an email from one of my blog's readers a few day ago. His company, Home Alarm Monitoring, has its own blog about safety. He thought that readers of Safety in Seattle would also be interested in this post:

http://www.homealarmmonitoring.org/year/10-types-of-self-defense-anyone-can-learn/

Written by a woman who was mugged right outside her home, she gives ten tips that she feels would have helped her at that time. I like her emphasis on easy ways to fight back, and in my self defense classes have students drill these, and more.

Thanks, Allen, for sharing!

AWESOME Online Resource

2011-03-03T10:00:00.000-08:00

I was just surfing on the web this morning, and came across an ebook with a totally AWESOME title:

Self-Care and Self-Defense Manual for Feminist Activists

I haven't had a chance to read it cover-to-cover, but just leafing through the pages this appears to be a very thorough and articulate personal safety book. Certainly better than 99% of what's on the market.

If you are concerned about social justice issues, if you want to be out there making a real difference in the world, and you want to keep yourself physically and emotionally together, download and read!

It's Creepy and it's Kooky; But Neither Mysterious nor Spooky

2011-02-28T17:32:00.000-08:00

When we talk about date rape in my self-defense classes, I usually begin thusly:

Once upon a time, in a galaxy not at all far away, conventional wisdom said that rape was committed by lonely, horny guys. Such a guy would encounter a woman who dressed a bit too provocatively and acted a tad too flirtatiously, and "lead him on." So of course he couldn't control himself and whoops! his penis fell into her.

Little did I know that a judge in Manitoba was telling the same story! Except that Judge Robert Dewar was taking this tale literally when he declined to give a convicted rapist any jail time (the prosecution asked for 3 years incarceration). Why? Because he felt that "sex was in the air" at the moment and whoops! the poor guy couldn't control it.

Read the article here: http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/breakingnews/rape-victim-inviting-so-no-jail--rape-victim-inviting-so-no-jail-116801578.html

This article is a pretty good example of how sleight-of-mouth can downplay the gravity of the offense. For instance, defense attorney Derek Coggan stated that his client was just "insensitive to the fact that [the victim] was not a willing participant" in that night's sexual intercourse. After all, no force was used, no weapon shown, and they were both drinking.

Last I checked, rape was defined as sexual penetration where one party is not a willing participant. Being an "insensitive guy" isn't a crime. But being a rapist is.

The defendant will, however, have to write a letter of apology to the victim. Whew! I was beginning to worry.

Fight Back = AWEsome!

2011-02-24T08:05:00.000-08:00

Three days ago I was contacted by Kassi Rodgers, an editor for the Seattle University Spectator (their newspaper) about safety and self-defense in and around campus (as well as the greater Capitol Hill area). Her article came out yesterday.

And I was not the only one to notice that when women fight back against their assailants, they tend to succeed.

You can read the entire article here.

Did I mention that when women fight back, they tend to win? In this article, I also mentioned that more women are reactive than proactive. Yet waiting until something evil is on your doorstep is not the best time to learn to defend yourself.

You too can learn some pretty simple yet amazingly effective self-defense techniques. What are you waiting for?

But That's RUDE!

2011-02-23T11:50:00.000-08:00

In classes for teen girls I'm often asked what to do when some guy, either a stranger or someone they barely know, approaches and begins asking overly personal questions. A simple "I don't want to talk at this time" is certainly polite, and right to the point. "I don't give out that information," said in a neutral tone, is also direct and sets a boundary without being nasty.

But some girls still take issue with a direct response. Because it's "rude." And I hear from some adults who work with girls that it's just "who they are."

Who are you, really?

Are you always the person you wish you could be?

Food writer Ruth Reichl faced similar questions, but in a different context. As the restaurant critic of The New York Times beginning in 1993, Reichl knew that her reviews would powerfully influence the rise and fall of restaurants big and small; a great review could mean vastly increased revenue and prestige. Restaurant kitchens, she found, had Reichl's picture plastered on the wall and a reward for any staff member who spotted her. Reichl's clever solution was to come up with disguises for her dining excursions. And her disguises went beyond wigs and makeup -- she envisioned what kind of person she'd become. With the help of an acting coach, she transformed herself. And it worked, sometimes too well. She found herself falling into her roles--often to the delight, but sometimes to the dismay, of her dining companions.(Reichl details her escapades in her charming book Garlic and Sapphires: The Secret Life of a Critic in Disguise.)

"Chloe" was a blonde bombshell who seemed to know precisely how to intrigue men. "Brenda" was warm, funny, kind, and approachable. Elderly "Betty" blended into the furniture, and was treated as a castoff. "Emily" was brusque and bitter. All different personalities, yet along the way Reichl recognized them all as elements within herself (and she decides she wants more Brenda and less Emily). Reichl had the epiphany that controlling how others treated her could be as simple as changing the way she dressed and projected herself. She tested this out, and for her it worked.

Reichl was able to effectively reconstruct herself for a slice of time, over and over, in different guises. She got her job done.

Do you know precisely what you would do in any given situation? Do you ever do things that amaze you? That disappoint you? Do you ever say things you wish you could take back the minute it came out of your mouth for all the world to hear? Do you ever wonder how you had the presence of mind to say exactly the right thing, and wish you could do it more often?

That's resilience in an uncertain world. Grace under pressure. Cool, calm, collected. What's not to like about those qualities?

As I tell my class participants, self-defense has a performance component. Regardless of who you believe you are, you all have the same job to get done, of keeping yourself safe. You can act. You can project yourself as a skilled, confident person on your own mission, and pity the fool who tries to mess with you.

Personally, I believe my time is valuable. I feel I should choose with whom to spend, not squander, my time. Otherwise I'll end up treated as someone else's entertainment, emotional barf bag, or -- at worst -- victim.

A Tale of Two Cases . . .

2011-02-21T02:19:00.000-08:00

. . . both domestic violence, both violent assaults. One ends in murder, the other in resurgence.

This first article highlights the self-defense class given to honor a woman killed by her estranged husband. This class raised funds for a scholarship for a Jefferson County resident who plays softball, basketball or volleyball. The story never mentioned if Mary Daniels, the murdered woman, has a love of any of these sports, or why the funds were to go for softball, basketball or volleyball specifically. I would have expected some sort of donation to a domestic violence education program or shelter. Nonetheless, good to see that about 100 women learned some skills. Too many women wait until they need the skills immediately before taking self-defense seriously.

This second story is a bit different. The woman survived. Christy Martin is a fighter, literally. She's a boxer. Her to-be-ex had been her trainer. She told him she was leaving, and he declared that if he couldn't have her, nobody can. He almost managed to kill her, but she was able to escape and flag down a passing car. In her 40s, she was generally considered way past her boxing prime, but just over 3 months after being left for dead, she will again enter the ring.

Three essential keys to successful physical self-defense are (1) recognizing when someone has the potential to harm you and taking preventive measures, (2) knowing some effective physical skills, including escape strategies, and (3) attitude. Attitude underlies the other two keys. Success, and not just in self-defense, hinges on attitude.

But, if you're a regular reader of this blog, that shouldn't be news to you.

And Now, Another Word from My Mother

2011-02-16T14:25:00.000-08:00

My mother would have been 90 years old this month. In her long life she experienced a lot as a member of the Greatest Generation: the Great Depression, Second World War and its Holocaust, the Baby Boom, better living through chemistry, the cultural upheavals of the sixties and seventies, feminism, the Cold War, Reaganomics, undeclared "wars" across the globe, declared "wars" on poverty and drugs. Unprecedented prosperity and change. She got her first computer at the age of 87. She outlived most of her friends.

She never outlived her values.

My mother always knew who she was and what she thought important. Regardless of the mores of the day, her certitude of what was right and what was wrong never wavered. She was not shy about conveying these values to her children. By the time I was 12, I knew precisely what she would reply to any request.

Mom and I disagreed often. She played very safe, which I felt was far too restrictive. I am more inclined to assess challenges and take calculated risks. But despite our differences, what I learned best from my mother was to know your own values and boundaries, and honor those first.

The first items on my Safety Plan worksheet ask about your goals and plans. What gives your life meaning? What do you value most? Because, regardless of their approach to risk, women who are clear on these will keep themselves safer.

PS - to learn more about planning for safety and other self-defense strategies, sign up for a self-defense class.

Valentines, Voices, Vivacity

2011-02-14T14:30:00.000-08:00

Raise your hand if you feel there's not enough gratuitous, needless, and random violence in the world. Hmmm, not seeing a whole lot of hands out there. I thought as much.

Valentine's Day is not exactly the first holiday that pops to mind when thinking self-defense training. But it could be.

In all my classes, you use your voice. You also raise your voice, deploying words like NO and STOP and LET GO and BACK OFF. These are not exactly your positive relationship-building, Valentine-inspiring words. But they are important words to use at the right time.

If you are like virtually all my students, you want to recognize when someone means you ill. You want to have what it takes to say NO to people and events that will negatively impact the quality of your life. And you want to be someone who makes a difference.

You want to be able to say NO some of the time so that you can more confidently, more assuredly, and more enthusiastically say YES to people and events that will engage you, that will offer you growth as a person, that will provide exciting challenges. You want to say YES to good friends and productive opportunities. You want this world to be a better place, and you want to contribute to this work-in-progress.

One of the foundations of this work is in the relationships you forge with others, particularly those closest to you. True, February has become a "Hallmark Moment." But we do not have to wait for marketers to tell us when it's OK to treat one special person extraordinarily well for one evening. If I were Supreme Ruler of the Universe, Valentine's Day would be a Day of Service (similar to the Martin Luther King Jr. Day of Service in January) focusing on bringing vivacity and gusto into our spheres of influence.

My challenge to you for today: come up with one way you can make somebody else's today a tad better.

Sincerely, Joanne

PS - As my Valentine's Day gift to you, I've created a new handout on healthy relationships. Feel free to download it and share with family and friends.

In the News, (Almost) Live on TV

2011-02-01T20:57:00.000-08:00

Late yesterday afternoon I got a call from Gary Horcher, a TV reporter for KIRO 7. He was looking for a self-defense expert to talk about safety for women runners. Those of you living in Seattle probably have heard about the rash of assaults on women out running. About a half dozen or so in the last couple of months. So I met with him and his camera man, we taped a short interview, then they filmed a little of that evening's class. Thanks to all my students who tolerated it, and to their credit Gary and camera did a really good job at being relatively unobtrusive.

So check out the story at http://www.kirotv.com/livestreamvideo/26692015/index.html

All my five week Self-Defense 101 classes for this winter have already commenced, but I do have another that will start March 22, a couple of one-day seminars on February 13 and March 20, a Teen Girls Only class on February 27, and a Self-Defense Weekend Workshop beginning Friday March 11.

Running. Safety. Both.

2011-01-24T21:13:00.000-08:00

[NOTE: To listen to this podcast, download at this link: http://www.strategicliving.org/Sound_Safety_1-24-11.mp3]

Today's topic is women who run. Not with wolves, nor with scissors, but who just plain run. Or jog, or speedwalk, or walk. Whatever. You're doing it OUT THERE.

Because there's been a lot recently in the local media about women who've been assaulted while walking or jogging in some of Seattle's most popular parks. And I'm asked if women should even be out running about before dawn or after dark (for instance, you can listen to an interview I did on KOMO Radio on Dec 21, posted on both this blog and on my website, where the host felt that maybe women should not be out and about at those hours).

I say it depends. I for one resent the idea that women are told that we have to severely limit activities because of a few creeps, and I do recognize that these creeps are out there looking for targets. This is a real and serious threat. Consider what you are willing to face and how you will reduce your risk. If you are ready to acknowledge that yes the lack of light plus fewer (if any) other people around do put you at higher risk, and you are willing to take that risk and be ready to fight back, then yeah go for it. Some ways you can reduce your risk of being targeted in the first place are to find a workout buddy or group (or start one yourself), or choose routes that are more likely to be visible and populated.

And, speaking of running, I'm also often asked about listening to music. Now, listening to music on your mp3 while running does put you at higher risk, because you're seen as less aware of who's around you, and you know what, you probably are. So why do people still do it? Well, it's been shown over and over that music enhances your workout. It energizes you, it gets you into a groove, it makes you happier and you have a better workout. And, to be honest, if you went out running with your iPod, about 99.98% nothing bad will happen and you will return home safely.

As an aside, that's a testament to the incredibly safe world we live in today. But that's a topic for another blog and podcast entry.

I say if you are ready to acknowledge that yes the impairment of your hearing and hence attention to your environment puts you at higher risk, and you are willing to take that risk and be ready to fight back, then go for it. But consider what you willing to do to reduce your risk.

For information on upcoming self-defense classes, visit Strategic Living Safety and Self-Defense Training.

Using Your Voice

2011-01-04T10:00:00.000-08:00

In mid-December I offered a self-defense clinic for runners at Road Runner Sports at Greenlake. Lots of people participated (I was told that this was one of their best-attended clinics ever), and the organizer took this little video clip. WARNING: one instance of foul language happens!

Road Runner Sports hosted this free clinic in light of the spate of recent assaults on women runners recently in some of Seattle's most popular parks.

To learn and practice these skills and more, sign up for a self-defense class today.

Why Rape is Under-Reported: Reason #1

2011-01-02T14:54:00.000-08:00

I'm occasionally asked why rape is under-reported. Not asked very often, because most of us know without ever having to be explicitly told. Most of us recognize that rape victims, far more so than victims of any other crime, are made to bear a disproportionately large responsibility for their victimization.

A recent article illustrates this: http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/12/28/bahamas.baseball.rape/index.html?iref=obinsite. Actually, it's not the article, it's the comments. A college baseball player is accused of rape. The article is pretty bare-bones. But the comments on the article tend toward the vitriolic side, against women who report rape. See, there's a vocal segment who feel that rape is an entitlement. Not that they'd actually phrase it that way, because rape is a crime. But what counts as rape?

Or how about this article (http://detnews.com/article/20101110/METRO/11100371/Alleged-rape-victim--14--taunted--kills-self), where a high school freshman accused a popular senior of raping her. After the allegations because public and her identity revealed, other students in her school were polarized and she was subjected to verbal attacks. Apparently the possibility that the rest of the alleged perpetrator's life could be ruined (by his own actions no less) evoked more sympathy than anger at the possibility that he was a rapist. She killed herself. The county prosecutor initially decided to drop the sexual assault case because the one witness was gone, but since then another victim has come forward (http://www.myfoxdetroit.com/dpp/news/local/joe-tarnopolski-facing-new-allegations-20101111-wpms).

Or this article in the New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/29/world/europe/29iht-letter29.html?_r=3&ref=julianpassange&pagewanted=all), where the author asked some of her friends (women in their 30s) if they thought the charges against WikiLeaks principal Julian Assange were rape. The responses were resoundingly no. One woman said that these charges "cheapen rape." Really? How?

FYI, at least in Washington state, and probably most if not all states in the USA, having sex with someone without consent IS legally rape. That includes the victim having too much alcohol or drugs in their system to give consent. How about when they're sleeping -- where's the consent there?

Or look at the reactions of many prominent personalities when Al Gore was implicated in sexual assault. Now I like polar bears and the polar ice caps as much as the next environmentalist, but to give their most celebrated proponent an a priori pass just because of who he is, well that's too much.

Almost half of all women and girls who are raped either tell only one other person or nobody at all.

Most rapists are someone the victim knows, often someone the victim (and their friends) like. And, judging by the way we treat victims, it can't be rape if that person is well-liked, right?

It's not only the general populance that has issues with sexual assault victims. This recent article took a comprehensive look at how reported sexual assaults were handled by law enforcement, and found that the actual rate of false report of rape is much lower than that assumed by many people, particularly by law enforcement. This article notes that

[O]ne of the most important challenges for successfully investigating and prosecuting cases of non-stranger sexual assault is the idea that many—or even most—reports are false. As long as this belief is accepted by law enforcement professionals, prosecutors, jurors, and others, our efforts to improve the criminal justice response to sexual assault will have only limited impact. Only those cases that look like our societal stereotype of “real rape” will be successfully investigated and prosecuted.

I teach an annual weekend workshop for rape victims. Each year I ask of those who did report their rapes, by a show of hands, how many have had positive experiences with law enforcement during the reporting process. A few raise their hands. And then I ask how many have had negative experiences. And all of those who said they reported their rapes report negative experiences with police or prosecutors. The predominant issue is that the victims felt that they were being accused by law enforcement personnel of being to blame.

The #1 reason why rape is under-reported, not a big surprise, is the prevailing cultural undercurrent of blaming the victim.

It's All About Control. But You Already Knew That.

2010-12-28T14:05:00.000-08:00

All women may be at risk of sexual assault, but risk is not evenly distributed across the ages. Younger women are at higher risk, with those ages 17-24 and in college at the peak of peril.

Among the several reasons that younger women are at higher risk is that they are more often more trusting, and more easily misled. So when I read this article on why some* men in their late 30s/40s say they prefer to date younger women, the similarities were quite impressive. Each respondent phrased their answers more agreeably, but each one came down to "because younger women are easier to control."

Some select quotes, and my interpretations:

They don’t (yet) have a laundry list of what they want in a partner, in a career, in a life. . . . I think that kind of attitude appeals to thirty-something guys who want a relationship to really be on our terms.

Interpretation: Because she doesn't have strong opinions of her own (or I can safely ignore them and she'll go along), I get to call the shots.

They tend to be untainted by experiences that have hardened older women. Like when a woman’s been lied to a lot after years of dating, she always thinks you’re lying to her. And that’s a turnoff. Younger women are less cynical and that’s a big draw.

Interpretation: I can get away with lying to her.

She’s interested in the here and now, in going out, in having fun. It may sound like a cliché, but it’s reality. I’m not anti-marriage, I’m just anti-agenda.

Interpretation: I'm not really anti-agenda, I'm for my own agenda and only my agenda.

You can play ‘cruise director’—show her all your secret favorite places that she probably hasn’t experienced yet. They’re easier to impress and very willing to be escorted around.

Interpretation: I get to call the shots.

In short, it's all about the power.

And that is the connection with sexual assault. I'm not asserting that the guys interviewed for this article are rapists, not at all. What I am saying is that there's a LOT of overlap in what these middle-aged men were looking for and what most serial acquaintance rapists are looking for. So if you are a young female, and find that you're attracting attention from somewhat older men who are happy to take control (however they care to phrase it), please give some thought to your own desires and plans (your "agenda"), and how you express them.

Nobody will give you power and control over your own life. You just have to take it.

These critical life lessons are covered in Self Defense 101 as well as the intensive Self Defense Weekend Workshop.

*This definitely un-scientific survey reflects the views of only a small group of men specifically selected to make a point (and a pseudo-news story), and is not intended to make global assertions about Mankind.

On the Airwaves

2010-12-23T06:17:00.000-08:00

In light of recent attacks on women joggers, I was interviewed on KOMO Radio live! We aired Tuesday, December 21 at 12:46 in the afternoon, and you can listen to it here: http://www.StrategicLiving.org/Joanne_Factor_on_KOMO.mp3.

One point of contention is whether women should be running in the early morning hours or in the evening, when it's dark outside. I say yes, many runners enjoy the calm and solitude at those times, or that's really the best time for them. I also say recognize that you are at higher risk for assault, so be prepared and aware. The bare minimum self defense skills you should know are (1) which are higher-value targets on an assailant's body (eyes, throat, groin, knees), and (2) use your voice LOUD (give direct commands, such as STOP! or LET GO! or BACK OFF!).

To date, those women who have been assaulted succeeded in fending off the attacker. They fought back and used their voices. And prevailed. You can too. The next round of self defense classes will begin in about a month, see the schedule at http://www.StrategicLiving.org/classes.htm. And have a safe holiday shopping/jogging season!

What's Your Story? Please Share!

2010-11-14T17:45:00.000-08:00

Do you have a story to share? I've noticed some outstanding self-defense stories in the news lately.

One was this 12 year old girl who heard a noise downstairs, went to investigate, and came face to face with a hooded intruder. Not only does she kick him in the crotch, after he runs she draws a sketch to make it easier for police to find the guy. Read the story at http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1299920/Home-girl-foils-burglar-groin-kick-draws-police-picture-him.html.

Then there's the 13 year old girl who fought off a guy with a knife! Read her story at http://www.thegrio.com/news/13-year-old-girl-fights-off-knife-wielding-attacker.php.

And a third happened here in Seattle, when a woman jogging in Seward Park fought off an assailant. Read her story at http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2013154472_attack14m.html. This woman was reported to have said to her assailant, "not me, not here, not now." Many students in my recent classes read about this attack, and took this woman's mantra to heart.

"Not me, not here, not now." The power of the story.

Over twenty years ago women were dismayed to see virtually no self-defense success stories in the news. They reached out to the community -- posters, ad in papers and on campuses, word of mouth -- and were rewarded with an overwhelming abundance of first-hand reports of successful self-defense. The results became Her Wits About Her: Self-Defense Success Stories by Women, edited by Denise Caignon and Gail Groves, and is a classic in self-defense studies.

An article in the current issue of the academic journal Violence Against Women explores the power of the successful self-defense story. Author Jill Cermele notes these critical benefits of telling women's self-defense stories.

First, they are real examples of real women successfully defending themselves. When more of us know what other women have done successfully, we are more inclined to use resistance.
Second, by telling successful resistance as an event that happened, rather than a non-event, we recognize that women have positively acted and DONE SOMETHING POWERFUL.

[from Telling Our Stories: The Importance of Women's Narratives of Resistance, by Jill Cermele. Violence Against Women, 16(10): 1162-72, 2010, http://vaw.sagepub.com/content/16/10/1162.

Please share! I've begun posting stories I find, or that others have found, on my Facebook page. If you come across any stories, please email them to me or post to my FB page. I can assure you that other self-defense instructors will re-share them. The more the word gets out, the safer we and our communities will become.

Self Defense Essentials I Learned from My Cat, Lesson #1

2010-11-07T12:29:00.000-08:00

"Awareness" is a key component of self-defense, yet as a practice it is ill-defined. For many of my students, the line between color-coded anxiety and recognition of real risks is blurry at best. This is exacerbated by our media environment (where violence sells anxiety, and anxiety sells airtime, and airtime sells . . . ).

Examples from my feline friends proffer useful guidance.

Know where you are vulnerable.

For example, I often shlep lots of stuff to my car. Hey, I teach self-defense classes, so I'm hauling kicking shields and handouts and mats and other bulky, unwieldy stuff. This is a vulnerable point for 2 reasons. One, my arms are usually full. Second, and more importantly, my mind is already occupied with how the heck I'm going to fit all this junk in my car (I can always drop stuff to free my hands, but it is takes more effort to drop stuff out of my head when surprised).

Sokol, ever watchful, at repose.

Enter Sokol, my cat.

Sokol (also known as "stealth kitty") was brought into our home as a 14 month old feral. While she's adapted well to life as an indoor kitty, even after 7 years she hasn't lost her feral edge. She does not like being picked up or even petted (until she solicits attention). Lap cat? No way. Ever at rest, she's also alert to any and all new sounds. If I enter the room, she'll keep an eye on me until she's convinced that I'm not about to try to (gasp!) pick her up. If I'm in the room she wants to nap in, she'll keep an eye on me as she settles in.

The key here is awareness at key points. Going back to loading my car, I know I have to leave Point A (my house, or the building where the class is held) and approach my car. I make it a point as I am leaving the building to scan the area. I'm looking for anyone who is paying attention to my activities. I get to my car. Before I unlock my car and open the trunk, I again scan the area. And if it takes more than a second or so to rearrange my baggage, I pause to scan again. And, if necessary, again.

I have to say I've yet to encounter a scary person. However, I have encountered the first spring blooms on the wild roses, the emergence of the fall crocuses, and a hummingbird almost within arms' reach. These little happenstances round out life, and are constant reminders on why you want to stay safe. To be able to enjoy daily special moments, sans the trauma of a distressing surprise.

Are You Scared Yet?

2010-10-31T13:59:00.000-07:00

Today's beautiful sunny Seattle afternoon will, in a few short hours, give rise to little goblins and ghouls and ghosts shrieking and wailing. "Trick or treat!" is tonight's theme, but alas it will extend a few more days past tonight. Indeed, bigger goblins and ghouls and ghosts have been shrieking and wailing for months, hoping to scare you into voting their way just 2 days post-Halloween.

Even though after Tuesday's elections all the campaigning ads will slither back into the crypts, their tricks will still linger in the air like the stench of sewage. While we all claim we hate those attack ad, fact is they work. Seems like no matter who you vote for, we are (again) facing the End of Civilization. If you want to check out how much truth, or lack thereof, is behind your favorite political messages, visit PolitiFact.com.

A few weeks ago I was chatting with a marketing manager for one of America's largest retailers. Prior to that he'd been in marketing for one of the major TV broadcasting companies. He left because he was fed up with "the scare." As much as possible, news just had to be presented with maximal scare value. Even the weather had to be scary.

A critical aspect of "the scare" is to present the event, but give you absolutely NO clue how to accurately assess or mitigate any risk you could face (other than stay at home and keep glued to your TV). (Strategic Living's Self-Defense 101 and Weekend Workshop classes cover these bases for your personal safety concerns.) One antidote: stop watching TV news. You'll not only feel safer over time, you'll be better at assessing real risks and engage in more enjoyable and productive activities. To help you, artist John Boak created these little posters that you can tape to your TV screen. Not only do they remind you to keep the TV off, they'll nicely obscure your view.

Get your information from real life, not from entertainment.

Sometimes Even the Experts Mess Up

2010-10-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

This security expert did, and boy it was a whopper.

Security expert Michiel Oakes admitted killing Mark Stover. Oakes said that Stover was stalking his girlfriend and she was very afraid of Stover. This girlfriend, Linda Opdycke, was Stover's ex-wife. Oakes said he did it in self-defense. The jury wasn't convinced, and convicted Oakes of first-degree premeditated murder.

For more backstory see this article on NPR, and this from The Seattle Times.

For those of you who may be stalked in the future, here are 3 mistakes to avoid:

No Documentation. According to this story, Oakes never reported any threats by Stover to the police. If you believe you're being stalked, get an evidence trail going, including what you've reported to police. A history that others can refer to really helps your believability. And maybe you can get some help!

Going to Stalker's Home, Armed. If you go to your stalker's house wearing a bulletproof vest and carrying weapons, it will be hard to convince anyone except your mother that you acted in self-defense. (In fact, if I did that, my mother would probably be the first to turn me in for stupidity.)

And Then Hiding the Body. Nothing screams guilt like a cover-up (whether or not that's accurate). Really, this is the stuff of bad TV and movies.

Stalking is serious. I've had students in my self-defense classes who've been stalked, and even years later many have never regained their full peace of mind. If you are being stalked, or someone you know is being stalked, do report and report and report, keep documents and a diary and any phone messages, and let everyone in your circle know. Before you end up, losing, on center stage in a bad drama.

Beware Spectres Bearing Olive Branches

2010-10-25T10:00:00.000-07:00

Today's news resurrects a two decade-old sore, and NPR's Nina Totenberg called this incident "stranger than fiction."

Virginia Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, confirmed that yes she did leave a message on Anita Hill's answering machine. In that message she asked Ms. Hill to consider offering an apology and full explanation for her testimony during Justice Thomas' confirmation hearings in 1991. In a subsequent statement to CNN, Ms. Thomas purported that her message was intended to offer an olive branch, and no offense was intended.

Ms. Hill has reported that no apology will be offered any time soon.

Read this CNN article for the backstory and current update.

When you offer an "olive branch," the implication is that you want to make peace. If you want to make peace, there's been some conflict that you wish to resolve or at least mitigate. We can call that process "de-escalation."

Now there are several general principles of de-escalation. One is that you do not insist that the other person is wrong. That would not serve to mitigate conflict, would it? In fact, it usually pisses the other party off. So much for striving for peace.

So when Ms. Thomas then asked for an apology, she was not really offering an olive branch. Granted, and I'm going out on a limb here, it looks like Ms. Thomas believes that an injustice was done. Maybe she is looking for redress. Frankly, history may remember Justice Thomas more for Anita Hill's testimony than for any scholarly and enlightened opinions he's written from the bench, and maybe she's feeling aggrieved about it. Maybe she's fishing for political points (Ms. Thomas is the founder of Liberty Central, a conservative nonprofit lobbying group linked with the tea party).

Whatever her reasoning, she should at least honestly name what she's doing as confrontation. (In my 5 week self-defense course we go over these, and other verbal skills, in lesson 4.) Even though it's almost Halloween, this is not the time (and it is NEVER the time) to disguise a a wolf in an olive branch's clothing.

"Mixed Signals" is the new "Yes"?

2010-10-18T19:35:00.000-07:00

Heck, this article is so short I might as well insert the whole thing:

A 24-year-old man arrested Oct.11 for kidnapping, attempted rape and gross sexual imposition said the woman he was visiting had actually been giving him “mixed signals,” according to an Elyria police report.

Melvin Jackson III, of Elyria, got naked and tried to have sex with the woman at her Washington Avenue home, the report said. The woman said she invited Jackson over to watch movies, but he began to touch her inappropriately, got undressed and refused to let her leave the room. The woman was able to run to a neighbor’s home and call police.

Good self defense on her part! She escaped and called the police.

Now, go to the story in The Morning Journal of 10/15/10 to look over the readers' comments. As of the evening of Saturday, Oct 16, they are short and to the point: that poor guy was set up or played. Like, "everyone knows" if a woman invites a guy over to "watch movies," she's "asking for it," right?

For all you women reading this, who cherish your freedom of association guaranteed by our great nation's Constitution (including the right to watch a movie with whoever you'd like without that being mistaken for a promise of sex), you are almost certainly sending "mixed signals" to someone. Yes, there are still those who assume that being alone and together means you want "it" (and they're not always men).

So here are just a couple of red flags that you should be looking out for. While it's not an all-inclusive list, these are 3 biggies:

He makes snide or even outright nasty comments about women in general, or about ex-girlfriends,
He seems to want to get intimate very quickly, and gets upset if you're not comfortable with his timetable, and
He ignores you when you have objections or otherwise say no to his plans.

For those of you in the Seattle area, this is covered in Session 4 of Self-Defense 101.

Goes to Show You Never Can Tell

2010-10-16T20:35:00.000-07:00

When I arrived at Bellevue College last Saturday, I felt something amiss. The staff, usually calm and friendly, seemed just a tad frazzled as we exchanged greetings. I went to set up my room for the five-week self-defense course I'd be teaching that afternoon, then returned to the front for my roster. As passed the front desk manager, he said, "We really could've used you this morning! We had one woman stab another in class. It was an anger management class."

That's generally not what I'd expect in a continuing education facility known more for high tech than high crime. Goes to show you never can tell for sure what can happen even in safe spaces. And why the first rule of self defense is to be aware and open to possibilities.

Read the story here.

"You've got to fight for your life, for sure."

2010-10-15T19:31:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week, a woman was attacked while jogging in Seward Park. When she saw a man on an isolated trail and her intuition told her to get out of there, she turned. However, he ran after her, caught up to her, and attacked. The assailant punched her in the face, and she fought back while screaming. Her voice attracted the attention of another man who rushed over, and the assailant fled.

"[S]he encourage[s] other women who find themselves in a similar situation to trust their intuition and do whatever it takes to fend off an attacker. "You've got to fight for your life, for sure," said the woman."

And she's sure the police will find the culprit. "In the meantime, she said she and her neighbors are organizing a self-defense class for women in Seward Park, which they hope to offer in coming weeks."

Way to go for proactive empowerment!

Read the story in The Seattle Times.

Follow the Money, Even Where There is "None"

2010-10-11T15:32:00.000-07:00

Listening to the radio, hearing yet another story from a war-ravaged country. Another woman, widowed with small children, has turned to prostitution to feed her family.

In all these stories about the costs of war, there's one question that's ignored.

Why is there always money for prostitution, but rarely for food?

If you want to see who holds more power, follow the money. Rather, follow who chooses how to spend their money.

And Now, A Word from My Mother

2010-10-04T10:50:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, I don't always agree with my mother. OK, that's an understatement, we often butt heads. But, when she does make a good point, it is stellar. And one such stellar bit of advice came many, many years ago. I don't recall the context at all, she was discussing finances (which she rarely did). Her piece of advice is to all young women (and if you've taken one of my self-defense classes, you have heard me say this) is very simple:

Whatever life brings, whatever relationship, marriage, partnership, etc., you find yourself in, make sure you ALWAYS have a bank account in YOUR NAME ONLY. And make sure that it contains enough money for you to rent an apartment and cover living expenses for at least a few months.

Nobody plans on entering into an abusive relationship. However, life does not always go according to plan, and for that you have to plan. Are you with me?

If you are trying to leave an abusive partner, you'll need cash. One common characteristic of abusers is control of household finances. You will need your own bank account, in your name only, so that the abuser cannot withdraw all funds to leave you high and dry. And it is a LOT easier if you have your cache before committing to any relationship, since once you're in you don't know how easily you'll be able to accumulate necessary funds.

I've taught self-defense classes in homeless day shelters and in transitional housing facilities. I've met women who lost everything -- and became homeless -- because they had to leave their partner but had no funds. There are many, many more women who do not leave their abusers because they are even more afraid of living on the streets.

So take charge of your own destiny, and have some cash cached away. Because, without cold cash, it really sucks to find yourself between an abuser and the cold streets.

Look Out, Ringo Starr, Here I Come!

2010-09-03T13:05:00.000-07:00

I was not a musician. I can't carry a tune in a paper bag. I've never learned to read music or play an instrument. I've only enjoyed music as a fan and listener. A consumer.

I donated self-defense classes to a girls' summer camp this July. This was not just any summer camp, this was Girls Rock! Camp, where in one week girls ages 8 - 16 learn to play an instrument, form a band, write a song, practice, and play to a raving audience. They also learn about the herstory of women in rock music, media and female body image, electronic music, DJing, zine making, song-writing . . . and self-defense.

AWESOME!!! I was thrilled to work with these girls, as well as also a tad envious. Where was this camp when I was that age?

Then one of the organizers just happened to mention Ladies Rock! Camp. My ears perked up. "Oh, there's another event?" Yes, a long weekend where women (ages 19+) learn to play an instrument, form a band, write a song, practice, and play to a raving audience. No experience necessary.

I signed up. I didn't think twice, and that was alright.

I picked drums as my instrument. As a self-defense and karate instructor I already know how to hit things, so I figured this would be a natural extension. Playing drums was still a stretch and a challenge, and it was one of the most outstanding weekends I've ever had. I learned a lot, and found there's common points between learning to play rock music and self-defense.

First, both are DIY. Do It Yourself, really. Sure if you want adulation and admiration from throngs of adoring fans you'll have to practice a lot and get super-good, and that's just the beginning. But if you just want to hang and jam with your friends, you don't need the chops of Ringo Starr. Similarly, for self-defense you don't need the chops of Jackie Chan, you just need awareness, some evasion strategies, and a few basic moves which will get you out of 99.5% of the badness you're likely to encounter.

Second, both happen in the moment. Practiced musicians often create impromptu lyrics and melody lines. They improvise. And if you should find yourself in a threatening situation you too will have to improvise. You have to be continuously paying attention and adjusting your tactics. And it will help that you've taken a self-defense class and have the basic skills.

Third, you get out what you put in. That means participation, really getting into it. Few things fall flatter than music played without feeling. In learning self-defense, you train like it's for real. So, if it ever does get real, you are ready.

Finally -- and if you've been reading this e-newsletter for a while, you could probably guess this one -- both are LOUD. Rock musicians, even "soft" ones, WANT to be heard! They DO have something to say! And guess what: so do you!

Okay, so maybe Ringo Starr needn't worry about me. And maybe you don't want to put in the time and work to learn how to become a ninja assassin. But, with a little help from your friends, you too can discover your inner rock star self-defender.

______________________________

Fall self-defense classes are now open for enrollment. Visit http://www.StrategicLiving.org/schedule101.htm for more information and registration on the 5 week Self-Defense 101 courses, http://www.StrategicLiving.org/schedule3hour.htm for one-day seminars, or http://www.StrategicLiving.org/scheduleWW.htm for the November weekend workshop.

______________________________

Facebook Puts the "Social" Back in Social Networking

2010-06-09T18:01:00.000-07:00

Whether or not you use Facebook, you've likely heard of the recent ferment over their privacy policy. One source of confusion is their "policy" shifts more often than a BP executive's assessment of the Gulf oil spill damage; another is finding all those little control panels that govern who gets to see all those disparate bits of your information.

ReclaimPrivacy.org has developed a tool that scans your Facebook profile and brings up a clickable list of what you can change to increase privacy. Now that doesn't mean you HAVE to change those settings -- you may want to be found by friends of friends, or everyone, or your city's network (or not, the choice is yours). You may want to be tagged in any and all photos (or not). This tool makes choosing your Facebook's settings a lot easier.

Then there's the other option. Do not include information you do not want public. When Facebook asked for my date of birth, I put in an "alternative" date which of course is not made visible to anyone, even "friends" (I feel that my birthday is between me, my real-life family and friends, and the IRS). This is important because even if you elect to keep certain info private, there are Facebook applications that perhaps your friends use that may "leak" some of your info.

[And of course the third option. Maybe Facebook isn't your cup of tea. Some of my (real-life) friends have chosen to not join Facebook because of the nature of their work, or because they've decided it is a substantial oversharing of information.]

The internet is not a private space, regardless of "privacy" policies. Facebook is a free service because of the marketing potential and advertising revenue. Bits of your data will be merged with data from millions of other users to target marketing. "Opt out" rather than "opt in" policies will be a tug-of-war for a while. Before signing up for any social networking site, spend some time contemplating what "privacy" means to you and on a social-commercial site such as Facebook.

A key tenet of self-defense is that YOU choose what information to share with whom. Nobody will simply hand you that right on the internet. You will increasingly need to take charge of what you provide to others, you will need to define and assert your own boundaries, and to be effective you need to understand today's ever-changing webscape.

Telling on Tattling

2010-06-02T11:47:00.000-07:00

A recent article in the online magazine Modern Mom has this catchy headline: You Should Let Your Child Tattle -- Here's Why! Yes, another one of those headlines looking to grab your attention by asserting something obviously counter-intuitive (or just plain dumb), and then informing you of what you already (or should have already) know(n): that you as parent have to help your child learn the difference between telling (to keep themselves or others safe) and tattling (trying to get someone else in trouble).

Now this is a really important life lesson (one which too many adults still don't have down). Adults who are looking to sexually assault or abuse children depend on kids not understanding the distinction. They will often tell their victims not to say anything or they'll be tattle-tales (and that's bad). Or if the child "tattles" they won't be believed (because they're only a kid and kids love to tattle, right?).

At it's February fundraising breakfast, King County Sexual Assault Resource Center's Executive Director Mary Ellen Stone said that assault against children has decreased 38% in the last 13 years. She attributed this to increased awareness of the issue, decreased tolerance for child sexual abuse, and increased support for the victims. Parents are now paying greater attention to adult behavior towards their children, as well as more closely listening to what kids say about adult behavior. Still, about 29% of sexual assault happens to children under the age of 12.

All kids need guidance in managing their emotions, in figuring out if they're looking for help or looking to get someone in trouble. They need skills in solving their own problems, and also knowing when to seek outside help. Violence needs silence -- parents need to be willing and themselves have the skills to coach their kids through the often-confusing landscape of telling.

Why Isn't Self Defense Taught in Our Schools?

2010-03-21T16:12:00.000-07:00

Author Ellen Snortland has often been in the media advocating for making personal safety and self defense a required class in high schools. Her article One Too Many in the Pasadena Weekly as well as her spotlight on National Public Radio points to the murder of Chelsea King as yet another reason too many to teach kids how to defend themselves.

Yet there's a great reluctance to widely add self defense skills to young people's toolboxes. More emphasis and resources are given over to services once they've become victims, or to enacting laws intended to prosecute and punish offenders (but which sometimes result in unwanted consequences, but that's another post). Both these approaches are critical, but that third leg of prevention is keeping real safety from becoming a reality.

We are the only creatures on this planet that actively strives to dis-empower large segments of our population by not only not teaching basic personal safety, but often by lying about its efficacy. Once upon a time (about 3 decades ago) conventional wisdom held that women should not fight back lest they get hurt worse. Studies now show that's not true at all, and in fact over 75% of women who even begin to resist assault chase off their assailant.

Unfortunately, most women don't know that. And that is truly a crime.

Attention all women looking for a self defense class

2010-03-07T19:23:00.000-08:00

Maybe you saw a demo at a health fair or shopping mall about women's self-defense, and you're considering taking a class. The group putting on the demo seemed friendly and knowledgeable, and now you're wondering if their program would be a good fit for your needs. Here's two important keys to watch for.

In many self-defense demos, you see a male instructor as "attacker" and a female instructor as "defender." So far, so good. Now, who does the talking? Is it a male instructor, or female? Yes, this IS important! If you are teaching women to strongly face a real-life assailant, she should be the one talking to the women in the audience.

Second, watch carefully for either (or both) of these two things to happen: the female defender does her moves but in a tentative manner and a male instructor describes her as being "nice" to her attacker," and over the next 10 minutes the demo actors get shifted so a male instructor has taken over showing the moves.

Is this empowering for women? (Hint: the answer is no.)

I've seen this scenario happen several times now. I have no doubt that these are very nice and well-meaning people, and their techniques can be effective. However, until the women show a real lead in their demos I have a hard time believing that the women they are trying to recruit as students will get two of the most essential self-defense lessons. Which are, of course, to take charge and use your voice.

Researchers Looking for Rape Study Respondents

2010-03-05T15:18:00.000-08:00

Dr. Patricia Rozee, a well known rape researcher, and Michelle McKenzie are conducting a research project on examining characteristics of rape resistance strategies in completed and attempted rapes. They hope to document the most effective strategies in preventing future rapes. This research is through California State University, Long Beach. They are looking for women, 18 years old or older, who have experienced rape or attempted rape, to take an anonymous, online survey that takes approximately 15 minutes to complete.

http://www.raperesistance.org/survey.html

How Can We Eradicate Rape When It's Not Really Treated as a Crime

2010-03-03T12:53:00.000-08:00

Variation of this article are bubbling up here and there. I'd bet that this story from Boston can be written about almost any college campus in any city, just change the names and titles a bit.

No Crackdown on Assaults at Colleges: http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2010/02/25/no_crackdown_on_assaults_at_colleges/?page=full

Or how about this, from National Public Radio?

Campus Rape Victims: A Struggle For Justice:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124001493&sc=emaf

It's hard enough to get women to report any sexual assault, and it is even more frustrating (and, dare I say, abusive?) when nothing happens. When the perpetrator gets no more than a slap on the wrist, and the survivor gets the nightmares and therapy.

When it's estimated that 1 of 5 college girls will experience attempted or actual sexual assault during their time in school, it's long past time that schools stopped being complicit in "boys will be boys."

But What if He's REALLY TALL?

2010-03-02T12:51:00.000-08:00

That's one of the most common question I get in my self-defense classes. And I think women are very comfortable asking me, as I'm usually the shortest in the room.

Well, here's a story of a 74 year old woman fighting off a young, strapping six footer.

http://www.philly.com/philly/news/local/85934442.html

As I've mentioned (over and over), persistence is one of the keys in effective defense. And Grandma sure had that!

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips GUARANTEED to Work!

2010-02-28T17:10:00.000-08:00

Not much is life is covered by a real guarantee, especially when it involves violence and assault. These tips, however, if diligently followed by would-be perpetrators, WILL WORK!

I've read variations of this now on several sites, including Girl with Pen (who attributes authorship to Colleen Jameson) and The Huffington Post's Ellen Snortland (whose book Beauty Bites Beast is THE "why-to"book of self-defense).

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work!

1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.

2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!

3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!

4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.

5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!

6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.

7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.

8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.

9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!

10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.

And, ALWAYS REMEMBER: if you didn’t ask permission and then respect the answer the first time, you are commiting a crime- no matter how “into it” others appear to be.

Living in Liberation Book Release Party

2010-01-06T14:43:00.000-08:00

On January 23, Feral Book Press will be hosting a book release party at the Victory Lounge (433 Eastlake Ave E). Living in Liberation is Cristien Storm's first book, the culmination of over 20 years working with self-defense, self-care, social change and healing. Storm was one of Home Alive's founders, and helped build it from a small band of musicians and artists to a highly active safety and social justice organization whose influence was felt across the Seattle area. Home Alive offered a wide array of self-defense programs, from short presentations to large groups to workshops and multi-session courses open to the public.

For more information visit http://www.seattleactivism.org/events/event6853.htm. Hope to see you there!

Book Review: Ditch That Jerk, by Pamela Jayne

2009-12-29T13:44:00.000-08:00

This book was recommended by a student. She had left her abusive husband about a year earlier, and since then has been reading everything she could get her hands on about domestic violence. Not only does she strongly recommend this book, she's bought multiple copies and given them to friends who she thinks need to read it.

Really, everybody should read this book. Consider this: over 25% of all women have been, are, or will be involved with an abusive partner sometime in their lives. Even if that person is not you, it was, is, or will be someone you know. I often ask students if they've know anyone who's experienced abuse. Most of the time most students raise their hands. Sometimes only half the class raises their hands. Sometimes everyone raises their hands. Even in classes for teen girls, most of them already have a friend who's experienced dating violence.

Pamela Jayne clearly depicts what abuse is, and how it is distinguished from other normal human behaviors that may be immature, petty, selfish, stubborn, or disagreeable. She points out the early warning signs, or "red flags," of abuse. She goes into great detail, with lots of real examples, of the various ploys and manipulations used by abusive men to justify, deny, or blame someone else for what they've done. And she is clear that in order for an abuser to change, they need to take full responsibility for their behavior and really want to change.

Jayne divides the world of abusive men into three camps: the potentially good, the bad, and the hopeless. While they do have a lot in common, there are several important differences that predict whether or not any given abuser may change his abusive ways. This is an important part of the book, since so many women stay with their abuser because they believe they can change him, or if only they were better girlfriends or wives he wouldn't be abusive, or even that it's their obligation to stay and not abandon him. Jayne is clear that change is very hard, the abuser has to be willing to put in a lot of work and face some very unpleasant facets of his approach to life, and that not many will change. All the willpower and good intentions and love of the wife or girlfriend won't make someone else change.

The potentially good man (who is less likely to use physical violence and usually does not have an alcohol/drug problem) may change if he realizes the emotional costs of his behavior and its impact on people he cares about, and takes responsibility for his own actions. However, those men who seem to constantly swim in chaos, who have trouble holding a job, who have substance abuse issues, and who believe they are life's victims are unlikely to change. And those who totally lack empathy, who use violence freely, chronically lie whenever it's in his interest, and is routinely manipulative, are deemed hopeless. (Other authors, such as Martha Stout, have labeled those who fit this "hopeless" category as sociopaths.)

Ditch That Jerk is well written and easily comprehended. It is a fairly short book, and can be read thoroughly in a weekend (or several weeknights). It's very suitable for young women, including those in their late teens, who may be less certain what abuse is or what their rights in a relationship are. I highly recommend this book, whether you believe you need it or not.

What Happens When You Tackle More Than You Can Handle

2009-12-29T13:09:00.000-08:00

You may get a broken nose.

That's what happened to this wanna-be assailant when he tackled a woman on a jogging trail. She fought back, and he fled. Read all about it here: http://www.10news.com/news/22074629/detail.html

A common question in my classes is what to do if you're attacked in a relatively isolated area. Many people believe that these potential assailants are a special breed of super-being who have the strength and tenacity of Wolverine with the diabolical malevolence of Freddie Kruger.

Fortunately, most assailants occupy mere mortal human bodies. They have vulnerable points. They are often focused on their attacks and (particularly if their target is female) not expecting you to fight back. In most cases, fighting back will succeed in driving him off. As they did here.

Make Friends and Influence the State Budget

2009-12-28T00:00:00.000-08:00

Participate in King County's Domestic Violence Lobby Day on Thursday, February 4. Three weeks ago Governor Gregoire released her proposed budget for 2010. The good new is that funding for core DV and SA services is intact; the bad news is that there are huge cuts to many critical services that low income people, including many battered women and their children, depend on for their survival. Come to Domestic Violence Lobby Day in Olympia and share your voice!

Lobby day begins with a briefing at 9:30am with staff from the Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence, who will give detailed information about this year's DV legislative priorities, pending legislation, talking points, and informational handouts. They will provide packets tailored for your legislative district and include information about your legislators. WSCADV will provide a free lunch at noon. The afternoon is spent meeting with your legislators. These meetings will likely be in small groups with other DV advocates, survivors and allies who also live in your district. Most groups wrap up their meetings with legislators between 3-4pm. (If you are unable to attend on February 4, 2010, the STATEWIDE lobby day is February 26, 2010. Check www.wscadv.org for more information.)

HOW TO REGISTER: Register on-line at www.wscadv.org/publicpolicy.cfm by JANUARY 18, 2010. You MUST provide your name, legislative district, and email and phone number.

Ghost Whisperer Needs Live People Skills

2009-10-27T11:57:00.000-07:00

CBS, what WERE you thinking?

You had a real opportunity, and you blew it. Big time.

Perhaps you didn't realize that October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. You had an opportunity during the October 16, 2009 episode of The Ghost Whisperer to say something intelligent about dating, relationships, and abuse. But you blew it.

Lots of things about The Ghost Whisperer I don't understand. Like whether Melinda's husband is dead or alive, or both. Like how she suddenly has a five-year-old son and I never ever realized she was pregnant. Or like how merely sad ghosts can't pick up material objects, while the violent ones throw things.

But I do understand the warning signs, or "red flags," of potential abuse.

Melinda's sidekick Delia decides to stop dating Roger for screaming at the maitre'd in a restaurant. OK, the maitre'd insisted on opening a "special" bottle of wine for them even after they declined, and then spilled it all over Delia. Roger jumped to his feet, and let loose a verbal barrage (fortunately appropriate in language for prime time TV). As her mother told her, don't date a man who's mean to the waiter, and Delia saw a mean side she that just didn't appeal to her. So she does not return his phone calls.

Then strange things begin to happen. On a show about talking to ghosts, that's to be expected. But these strange goings-on were from a live person. Rose petals and roses on Delia's car. A shower of violet flowers. A mime sent to pantomime love. Delia suspects Roger is trying to woo her back.

Melissa encourages her to reconsider: "Are you sure you don't want to give Roger a second chance? But it proves he has a romantic side, and besides you told me that that maitre'd was obnoxious and had spilled things on you before! So, maybe, Roger was just, I don't know, protecting you."

Melinda had this GREAT opportunity to affirm Delia's intuition. She could have said something like, "Delia, he's still really interested in you and wants a second chance. If you do go out with him again, just look out for controlling behavior, it could foreshadow an abusive relationship." I'm sure you have at least a couple of scriptwriters clever enough to turn some of the behaviors of potential abuse into scintillating TV dialog. (If you want to know what they are, download this Signs of Batterers list and Campus DV Safety flyer. Or read Domestic Violence for Beginners, by Alisa Del Tufo.)

But no, she made excuses for a man she did not know, evoking romance.

Sure romance is sexier than domestic violence. But when all rates of violence in this country are at 40 year lows EXCEPT for domestic violence, when domestic violence is the #1 lifetime hazard facing women today, and when in all of my self-defense classes for teen girls most already know of friends who've been in abusive relationships, popular TV shows have just got to do a better job of making at least a discussion of abuse more mainstream. Abuse is not romantic, to either the living or the dead.

[To watch this episode, paste this URL in your browser: http://www.cbs.com/primetime/ghost_whisperer/video/?pid=fVzaCoSHqUzAFBWSWl5NfT_DYYVFwRmt]

What Every College Girl Needs to Know About Dating Violence and Abuse

2009-10-16T09:55:00.000-07:00

October. The leaves turn brilliant reds, yellows and orange, shrivel and curl, and drift off their tree limbs. The touch of October air is chilly and crisp. Halloween is almost here, one evening of ghosts and ghouls, spirits and specters. The next morning it's November, time for harvest and Thanksgiving, and Halloween slithers back into the abyss . . . til the next year.

October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month. We all know that domestic violence isn't limited to October, nor should we be aware only these 31 days. Domestic violence is a wraith that walks the earth always. Abuse victims can be haunted for a long time afterwards: they are three times as likely to engage in risky sex and 70 percent more likely to drink heavily than other women; they are also twice as likely to report that their activities are limited by physical, mental or emotional problems and 50 percent more likely to use a cane, wheelchair or other disability equipment, a recent CDC survey found.

If you know a college-age woman in an abusive relationship, please download this flyer on dating violence and send it to her. Send it to her friends also. In fact, send it to any college-age girl you know. It may save her from this nightmare later. Do your part to exorcise this demon now.

The Simple Art of Found Weapons

2009-10-16T09:42:00.000-07:00

Here's a great story of a 72 year old woman using her wits and a can of air freshener to fend off an assailant. Great instincts!

Since you're reading this blog I'm taking a wild guess you're at your computer. Or maybe you're on the go reading this on your iPhone or other mobile device (and hopefully you're not driving). Right now pause. Look around. What is within arm's reach that can be used as a weapon?

Did you pause and look? Do it.

Next step: reach out and pick it up. How does it feel in your hand? What can you do with it? For example, I'm looking at my cordless landline phone. I can easily wrap my hand around it and use it as a hammer to the face (or side of the head or solar plexus or other soft target). Or the loose-leaf binder can be thrust into a throat.

Do this exercise every so often. You'll be better prepared. Just in case.

Girl Off to College?

2009-09-27T00:51:00.000-07:00

Know a girl off to college this year? Show her you care - send her this Campus Safety flyer (will download a PDF file). One of my students remarked, "I wish I'd had something like this when I went to Highline Community College. I might not have been assaulted with a gun to my head." She was referring to the "pay attention to unusual behavior" directive. Download the PDF for this and more.

This Burglar Sure Picked the WRONG Target!

2009-09-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

In this story, a 71-year old woman was accosted by a would-be burglar. So she grabbed his ear and kicked him in the groin. Read this story here.

The unusual twist to this story is that this woman is Dawn Fraser, an Australian swimmer who won eight gold Olympic medals between 1956 and 1964. According to this story, she has a reputation of being feisty. The example given in the article was that she once smacked a teammate with a pillow during a team meeting discussion.

Hello!!! There's a big difference between a pillow fight and an assault. Glad to see, though, that she's world-class at both. As I tell my self-defense classes, the second most critical element in successful self-defense is your spirit. (The first is trusting your gut.)

Dawn Fraser, self-defense instructors of the world salute you!

License to Live

2009-08-14T16:59:00.000-07:00

Self-defense teacher and author Ellen Snortland wrote a really to-the-point article in the Huffington Post last week, which you can read in it's entirety at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ellen-snortland/license-to-live-time-to-m_b_253316.html.

Ellen convincingly argues that teen girls should be required to take a self-defense class as part of drivers' education. I need no convincing. After all, self-defense are critical life skills for the most at-risk group of women in America.

And in case you won't be clicking on the above link, below are Ellen's most basic rules for personal safety:

Give up property. If an assailant wants money or the car, give it to them. They might go away.
Do not give up your body. Do not go with anyone to a secondary crime scene. Better to resist or run from the primary encounter. Resistance from the intended victim is apt to result in the perpetrator giving up, witnesses reporting/helping, or in the worst case, at least leaving forensic evidence for clues.
Work out a "code" word so your family knows you're in trouble. Agree that if and when you call and say something agreed upon like, "Is that Lassie barking?" it actually means, "Help me."
If you've been taken, look to escape every chance you can. Don't give up. Injuries from jumping out of a car can be less hazardous than getting further along with an increasingly desperate criminal.
Do not believe a person who says "Be quiet go with me and I won't hurt you." They have already hurt you by committing the crime of kidnapping. Be loud and don't go with them.
Insist that schools provide a state required self-defense component.

I've heard parents ask me why self-defense classes are not routinely offered in the public school system, and I have no good answer for them. Perhaps that is the next level of self-defense, making sure others in your community have much-needed tools to keep themselves safe.

For more information, visit Self-Defense for Teen Girls Only.

Girls Rock = Awesome!

2009-08-04T23:05:00.000-07:00

Check this out: http://feministreview.blogspot.com/2009/08/girls-rock.html

That is emPOWERment!

If you were witnessing a rape, what would you do?

2009-08-02T20:24:00.000-07:00

Over 4 years ago, a woman named Maria was assaulted in the New York subway. She was grabbed by her assailant in full view of a subway clerk. She was pulled down the stairs to the subway platform. There she was raped, even as a train pulled in, and then pulled out, of the station.

Both the token booth clerk and train conductor pushed their emergency buttons to summon the police. And the police came within 10 minutes. But the assailant had raped her twice, eluded capture, and is still at large.

Read more here.

Maria sued the Transit Authority. She feels that both the clerk and train conductor could have done more. Not act like police, but they could have yelled at her assailant to stop and that they were summoning the police, without putting themselves at risk. A judge, however, ruled that the Transit Authority employees did their duty, and were not obligated to do more.

What do you think?

Not so much what the Transit Authority employees did (or didn't do). What would you have done? If you saw what looked like an assault or rape in progress, would you consider summoning the police to be your only obligation? Or is that even an obligation on your part? How far would you go to interrupt the assault process? Is that a skill set you'd want to learn? Or practice? Let me know -- email me.

Looking for a New Abode? Read This!

2009-07-13T16:46:00.000-07:00

This time of year sees more than it's share of people moving, particularly young people soon to be off to school. In looking for a new place to live, this entry by Ophelia de Serres on the Girls Fight Back blog lists all the important points to consider from a safety perspective.

One point I'd add concerns renting a house with friends. I suggest that as a group you come to an agreement on guests: inviting over other friends, or new dates, or people you just met; how late they can be there; and how long they can stay (without paying their share of the rent . . .). Not only could it save your life, it is likely to also save your friendships.

Your Responses to December's Survey

2009-07-05T23:47:00.000-07:00

Way back in December I asked readers to respond to an article published in the StarPress.com of central Indiana. This article described new policies being considered by the local police department around domestic violence. The overall focus was prosecuting abusers even if the victim chose not to press criminal charges.

One proposed strategy was to penalize those who first report assault/domestic violence, and then later recant. "Those who actually recant earlier allegations of battery will likely find themselves the target of a criminal investigation, facing the possibility of charges ranging from obstruction of justice to false informing," according to this article. Also any victim who later wished to have the charges against her abuser dropped would be required to take a 10 hour class on the cycle of violence and abuse.

In the survey I asked readers to chose among these five statements which most accurately reflected their reactions (multiple selections OK).

1. This shows lack of understanding by law enforcement of DV and just further victimizes abused women.

2. This will only exacerbate the problem by reducing the number of reports of domestic violence.

3. Assault victims, even if the result of domestic violence, need to be held accountable for their use of the legal system.

4. Abuse thrives in non-reporting, and abuse victims need to do their part to end this cycle.

5. This does nothing to address the roots of abuse, and will have little effect.

And the winners are . . . drum roll, please, . . . Selections ONE, TWO, and FIVE!

Not surprising, after I realized that almost all respondents worked with battered women, or had been battered women. In other words, those who had the most experience with domestic violence or its aftermath, first-hand.

Our respondents' Other Comments offered extra articulate reasons for their selections:

"My real answer is "None of the above." I feel that abuse victims can now be bullied into recanting and are more likely to break out of the situation if law enforcement can do their job."

"Maybe it would be better to teach that 10-hour class in high schools...."

"The ONLY reason I didn’t recant my report nor withdraw my protection order was because I finally fled and had friends who supported me. They would not let me think about recanting and told me that if I did, the next time I wouldn’t get help. I was lucy that I had a safe place to go to. If I hadn’t had someone to turn to, I would still be with him, that is, if I’d still be alive by now… For some, I do not think that ‘holding the victims accountable’ wouldn’t help because they’re more scared of the abuser and how he’d retaliate if they didn’t recant."

"We know why many women recant and it's usually because they have been threatened by the abuser if they do not drop charges. My view is that we need to protect reports by having no bail for suspected domestic violence perps. Until women can truly feel safe AFTER a report, they can't be held accountable for recanting."

"Unfortunately, it appears that Indiana did not take the time to consult with DV advocates. Victims who are hesitant to report or recant are not doing that because they have changed their minds, but are doing that to be safe. The highest risk of harm for a DV victim and children is when the victim(s) are trying to get help through the system or to leave the batterer. Penalizing the victim will do nothing to stop the cycle of abuse, in fact those actions will drive the problem underground, for victims will not report if the system now holds them responible for the abuse. those of us who are victim advocates have learned a great deal in the decades that we have been addressing the issues of domestice and sexual violence. We would hope that law enforcement would see the complexity of this social issue and work closely with the experts in the interpersonal violence field. The roots of violence are nutured in the soil of silence and isolation. I encourage all of us who are victim advocates to speak out; to not further silence and isolation by inaction or anger. Take the time to connect and educate your local law enforcment on the underlying issues of domestic and sexual violence. We must all work together to end violence. "

"Having been in a similar situation, I think there needs to be more understanding of where the victim might be coming from. The danger and fear can be very real, and recanting can be self-protective."

"There are many reasons why survivors of abuse recant allegations against their abusers, including coercion from their abusers, fear of retaliation by their abusers, lack of responsiveness from the criminal legal system, and the fact that prosecution may actually not make them safer or may have other negative consequences for them. Punishing survivors for not cooperating with prosecution only further isolates them, gives their abusers more tools to control them, puts them in more danger, and guarantees that they will not seek help from the criminal legal system in the future."

"This is a huge mistake and furthers a culture that blames the victim..."if only they did this or that" Most women recant to prevent further violence. Most women call 911 because they are really in trouble. Most women who are murdered by a spouse or boyfriend know they are at great risk and have told others. We don't need to put them at greater risk. It is very tricky escaping from a violent situation in a culture that blames the victim and minimizes their experiences. YOU WILL NEVER PREVENT VIOLENCE VIA THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM. "

"This once again puts the onus or responsibility on victims instead of the perpetrators of violence. Often times, survivors recant because they are being further threatened with violence for having contacted law enforcement in the first place. To penalize them for changing their minds to protect themselves and their children from further harm unduly and unjustly burdens survivors."

Thanks to everyone who submitting such great replies!

TAGGED -- Are You "It"?

2009-07-03T21:54:00.000-07:00

Online social networking is a growing industry. There is pressure is on many of us to participate in the same networking sites as our friends. And there seem to be some networking sites too ready to crank up the pressure.

I recently received an email supposedly from an acquaintance whose subject line was "Jill sent you photos on Tagged :)" (and yes the smilicon was part of the line). The body of the email had two buttons, one Yes and one No. The text around them said that Jill had sent me photos on Tagged, did I want to see them? Please respond or Jill may think I said no :( (and yes the frownicon was included). But Yes or No, I had to click!

And I thought, wow, this is really cheesy! Can the attempted manipulation get any more blatant? Who'd fall for this? Then I realized that well, yes, Jill had fallen for this! And she wasn't alone, as I've gotten this and similar ones from other acquaintance. Now these are all smart people, so I'm wondering why.

Just FYI for you all, no you do NOT have to click! Regardless of which you click, Yes or No, you're led to a sign-in page that asks you for your email password. THIS IS A BIG RED FLAG. Would you really give your email password out to anyone asking? Enabling this program will basically raid your email address book and generate similar spam for all your friends and colleagues (which I always find brings us closer) While Tagged is a legal social networking site (apparently considered one of the top ten valuable sites by some technical reviews), it's been criticized by consumer groups for this spam-like practice. The e-mythbusting site Snopes.com has an entry for Tagged (which should be a big hint), as does Wikipedia, for further reading.

If I hadn't emailed the acquaintances who purportedly "Tagged" me I wouldn't have found out that they had not set me any photos, and never intended for me, or their entire address book, to be spammed. They signed up because they got a similar email from a friend, without questioning why they were being asked to divulge sensitive information.

Tagged is a legit site, they have not been cited as causing any harm or attack. I am not confused that being Tagged somehow equals being Attacked. However, ploys and manipulations used by those who want to misuse your trust, regardless of physical harm or lack thereof, are the same. Your responses to their tactics can show you where the cracks in you armor may lie. Who of you are willing are you to give out too-personal information to someone who claims to represent someone you may know? From the "tags" I've gotten, it's too many.

You Go Girl!

2009-05-19T23:29:00.000-07:00

Great story of a 12 year old girl fighting back: http://www.pnwlocalnews.com/whidbey/wnt/news/45442782.html!

According to this article, the girl and her older sister were jogging in the evening. The older sister was ahead when a man emerged from the bushes and grabbed the younger girl. According to KIRO 7 news he grabbed her elbow and told her to "get in the car." She fought back, kicking him between his legs. He let go, and she ran.

The KIRO 7 news story interviewed their father about the incident. He was obviously relieved his daughter fought the assailant, and hoped other parents would teach their children how to defend themselves. Fact is, most women who fight back prevail.

That bears repeating: most women who fight back prevail.

It's worth learning how, and when, to fight.

Self-Protection Strategies for Women who Run

2009-05-19T14:01:00.000-07:00

Again, another great post from Lynne Marie Wanamaker! This one's an article in a Western Massachusetts paper called The Republican/Girls Just Wanna Have Fun insert. I really like how Lynne Marie takes a really good look at your actual risks, and makes planning for your safety easy as putting on your running shoes. She's teaching this July at Special Training in Oberlin, and I'm looking forward to her classes!

I may have two karate black belts, but I am definitely a white-belt runner. But as a National Women's Martial Arts Federation-certified self-defense instructor, I do have a leg up on strategies for keeping safe when I run.

It's not that running is an especially dangerous activity. "Stranger-danger" is highly overblown -- most women are not attacked by a menacing stranger, but by someone she knows (often an intimate partner). Still, running can put us into vulnerable situations. By thinking ahead we can make workout choices to further reduce the chance of assault. And all runners -- male and female -- can plan ahead to avoid and survive injury and accident.

Here's my list of tips:

Be seen. Any time light is low-dawn, twilight, night, or inclement weather, reflective gear is de rigueur. This is one time that bilious phosphorescent yellow is a fashion "do." You will be more visible to motor vehicles, and more memorable to neighborhood folks.

Keep in touch. If your running route is not within shouting distance of populated areas, carry a cellphone.

Prepare to show ID. Order a snazzy runner's ID with your blood type and an inspirational quote -- or shove an old driver's license into your pocket. Either ensures that rescuers can locate loved ones if you are injured.

Leave an itinerary. Tell friends and family your favorite running routes, which one you'll be taking today, and when you should return. I was appalled to realize recently that my sweet darling -- a confirmed couch potato -- has no idea where I disappear to when I walk out the door with my Sauconys on. Now I leave my itinerary on the dining room table.

Use all of your senses. Save the iPod for the gym. Use your eyes, ears, nose and intuition to remain aware of your surroundings. Trust yourself if something looks, smells, or feels fishy.

Be heard. If someone approaches you in a way that feels unsafe, use your strong voice and declarative statements: "That's close enough," or "Tell me what you want." If they try to touch you or don't respect the limit you set, yell your fool-head off. Don't be afraid to make a scene in the service of keeping yourself safe.

Run. Always know where you are and where you can run for help. Save exploration of new trails for an afternoon hike with a group. When running alone, be sure you can sprint to a house or busy road. (If you experience an unexpected injury you will be glad that you don't have far to go to find help.)

Fight. It is my sincere wish for every woman reading this that you never have to fight an attacker. But if you do, go for the most vulnerable parts of his body: the eyes, nose, throat, and knees. Consider taking a self-defense class to learn simple, effective fighting techniques.

Tell. If you are attacked, seek help immediately for your physical and emotional well-being. It is never your fault that someone made the criminal choice to assault you. By alerting someone you trust, you can heal your body and mind and you may be able to prevent an assault on another woman.

Lynne Marie Wanamaker is an AFAA certified personal fitness trainer who creates and teaches customized exercise programs for adults who want to be stronger and live longer. For more information visit her online at www.compassionateconditioning.com.

How to Talk About Safety with Your Six-Year Old Daughter

2009-05-04T11:01:00.000-07:00

My post of Feb 21 was about Lynn Marie Wanamaker's article on raising a strong-voiced girl. Lynn Marie has a way with words, and she's done it again. Lynn Marie has her own blog, and in this posting she winds her way to talking about how to talk safety with her young daughter (who is 6 years old). Here's an excerpt:

An episode of playground self-defense offered an opportunity to help Small listen to her instincts and step up to protect others this week. Yesterday Small and I were noodling around on the computer when she wrote this:

“I need help ceeping my friend Corey safe from Leo”

A lot of prodding led to this story: When Small and Corey run too close to Leo on the playground, he tells them, “Get away or I’ll kill you with a knife.”

Small said, “I think it’s a game because it’s fun.”

Then she said, “Corey is really scared.”

Then she said, “I’m not sure if it’s a game.”

Fortunately, we know Leo and his parents and we think he and they are pretty great. So we weren’t too worried about an impending playground massacre.

But the teaching moment was before us. My parenting instincts were clear:

And if you want to read the rest, click here. You'll go through a few paragraphs before getting to this story, but the journey is worth it.

Peer-to-Peer: Beyond Napster, into interrupting assault

2009-04-07T12:22:00.000-07:00

This article in a California college paper describes a peer program of men learning to recognize when other men are setting women up for sexual assault, and how to interrupt it. There should be programs like this on every college campus. Only a small handful of men commit most of the sexual assault, and until other men hold their buddies accountable and call them on bad behavior, that handful will continue to get away with rape.

One drawback, however, to this article is that is characterized all self-defense classes as a "fad" and of limited use because they focused on stranger danger, where the real risk is from acquaintances. The author got it part right. Yes, the real risk is from acquaintances. And yes there are lots of classes marketed as "women's self-defense" that do focus on physical skills and stranger danger. However, that is not true for all self-defense programs. Like any other service marketed in this country, anyone looking for a self-defense program needs to do a little research.

The National Coalition Against Sexual Assault's Ad-hoc Committee on Self-Defense set these guidelines for assessing a self-defense instructor and class. The National Women's Martial Arts Federation certifies only those instructors who demonstrate in-depth knowledge of real risk factors, assault dynamics, and patterns of violence against women. VITAL Self-Defense's website has a questionnaire you can use to assess a class you're considering (you have to, however, contact them for the answers to the questions).

After all, the best defense against anything is education.

Surprised Yet Again!

2009-02-26T22:56:00.000-08:00

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer opened a recent article with these words:

"It would come as a surprise to the six Seattle women he's been convicted of attacking, or the family of another he's accused of killing, but Curtis Thompson is a victim.
At least according to him."

A surprise? Really?

Maybe you think that others also think like us. A bad guy is a bad guy, right? (Check out reader responses to this article at the P-I's Soundoff.) But even if you could clearly label certain people perpetrators, can you expect them to agree with and own those roles? Really, most perps don't consider themselves Dr. Evils. Rather, they see themselves as regular guys who just can't get a break, who always get the short end of the stick, who are abandoned by family and friends and society. They are simply not getting their due. They feel entitled to take what should rightfully be theirs. If that sometimes involves a tad of intimidation or even a bit of violence, oh well.

Maybe "surprise" wasn't the best word choice. Maybe the article's author should have used the phrase "slap in the face" instead. Most perps don't consider their actions wrong, but their targets and the larger society feels damaged, and the denial of wrong-doing offensive.

The fact that so many perps claim that they are the real victims should no longer be surprising. To anyone.

Read the article here: http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/401457_thompson26.html

Just Yell . . . Every Parent Should Read This

2009-02-21T20:58:00.000-08:00

My colleague Lynne Marie Wanamaker wrote this great article, Raising a Strong-Voiced Girl:

http://www.mamazine.com/Pages/feature129.html

Every parent should read it.

In my last blog entry, Just Yell . . . Part 2, I mentioned that one young teen was confident she'd never be an abduction victim, while her peers worried. Why should any young girl have to be afraid? Aware, yes. Living in fear? Is that what you want for your daughter?

Why not teach children, from an early age, to use their voices with spirit?

Lynne's new blog (not entirely about self-defense, but a lot of parenting) is at http://www.mindbodymama.com.

Just Yell . . . Part 2

2009-02-15T23:08:00.000-08:00

Eleven-year old Carlie Brucia was kidnapped and murdered in Sarasota, Florida, in 2004. Her case made national news when a car-wash surveillance video showing the abduction was broadcast across the country. Many young girls, as well as their parents, were deeply troubled by the apparent ease that this young girl was taken, and later raped and killed.

Among viewers were 13 year old Dallas Jessup and many of her friends in Vancouver, Washington. Dallas was certain that because of her martial arts training she'd never be an abduction victim, but many of her friends were not so sure about their own safety. According to Dallas' website, she was asked over and over to show her friends some moves to thwart potential kidnappers. Dallas was inspired to make a home video that could show her friends how they could fight back against a much bigger assailant and still prevail. And that's how Just Yell Fire began.

Just Yell Fire grew into a much bigger project, garnering donations, professional production support, and cameo appearances from stars of a popular TV show. Dallas and her friend Catherine Wehage star in multiple scenarios depicting assaults, generally with Catherine portraying the target who falls victim by inaction or ineffective responses, and Dallas then showing the Just Yell Fire response. Interspersed between these vignettes are a "Dating Bill of Rights," with Dallas and Catherine affirming a teen girl's absolute right to control her own bodies and sexuality.

Dallas Jessup was a girl on a mission. After releasing the video (available free online), she began running classes for girls and even a "teaching the teacher" program (she purports that "anyone" can become a Certified Instructor in a mere 8 hours) to make the Just Yell Fire method more widely available. The project has lots of energy and resonates with its audience.

The vignettes in Just Yell Fire focus on stranger abduction. This is a horrible event, and for many parents their worst nightmare. The video re-enactments are "ripped from the headlines," which does focus on the more sensational and less common forms of assault. Only the last scenario concerns date rape. It's easier for most of us to demonize strangers (just think "stranger danger"), rather than recognizing that the more frequent threats are much closer to home. One of the most important lessons I teach parents of young children is that 90% of sexual assault on children under the age of 12 in Washington State is from people the child (and often the parents) already know, rather than the seedy stranger. This is still true as young children grow to become tweens, then teens, and young adults. For women, the more common assailant is someone you know. Of all the women to whom I've taught self-defense and who had previously been assaulted, the vast majority were targeted by those to whom they gave some measure of trust.

According to Feeling Safe: What Girls Say from the Girl Scout Research Institute, kidnapping is a significant concern to girls ages 8 to 12. This concern decreases as girls get older, replaced by rising concerns over being forced to do something sexual, car accidents and disease. As girls get older, act more independently, and have to make more safety judgments and decisions, their awareness and worries do change.

Dallas Jessup, young woman still on a mission, is older. Her first project reflected concerns of a younger teen. Now she and her friends have become more independent, and have undoubtedly been dating. Their experiences have changed. I am very interested to see what she comes up with next.

All The Presidents' Days

2009-02-13T13:45:00.000-08:00

[Warning: this post has nothing to do with self-defense.]

Once upon a time we commemorated separately the birthdays of two of our most prominent presidents. George Washington, the Father of Our Country, had his own birthday party in January; Abraham Lincoln, who presided over one of the most difficult and divisive periods in our nation's history, got his day in February. More recently, added to our nation's pantheon of great men was the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr., one of the most influential and inspiring figures in recent history. Rather than adding another day, our presidents are now sharing a birthday. Which we celebrate not on anyone's birthday, but rather on a nearby Monday in order to make it a 3 day weekend so that we Americans can spend the day and our money shopping Presidents' Day sales or taking a trip. So please do your part to stimulate our economy by refraining from productive work -- just buy something.

However, if you do feel the need to celebrate a birthday, my mother will turn 88 years old on Monday. Happy birthday, Mom!